BETTER LATE THAN...
"Dear G0YS: After discovering your group & reading for a while - I have come to realize that I have been lied to by those around me for a substantial part of my life. As a result of wanting to do the right thing - often for God, Family & Country, -- I have suppressed the warm feelings that I have always had within me for many other men - & I have even belittled such feelings from time to time in order to keep my 'cover' from being blown.
Looking back over my life, I now realize that I have missed some wonderful opportunities that have come my way because I was too afraid at the time to act on how I felt - because I was so unsure of the ultimate morality of it. Thanks to your site/s, I've come to realize that a handshake, hug, kiss & more with a buddy I love & admire are all extensions of the same warmth that makes life worth living in the first place; & now that I realize this - I have many mixed feelings.
I feel free - finally for the first time in my life; -- & I have peace with God because of the no-nonsense, exhaustive Scripture study you provided at the main g0ys site. Seeing God as a God of logic, love & common sense helps so much; -- as well as seeing what was actually forbidden in the Scriptures and WHY (I trust that God will prove quite certainly that false teachers will be judged harshly when those who tried to turn abusive-sex into 'homo'-sex, stand before Him). So much of what Jesus had to say about the deceptions of so-called 'religious-experts' has become very real to me. It was this 'g0y' theology that exposed them so clearly. Fundamentalist legalists are neither dealing with true law nor the fundamentals of Scriptural, Christian principles!
God's justice is not compromised in the New Testament & his commandment to 'love one another' forms a cornerstone of the faith. Scriptures like Galatians 3:28 show us how non-discriminating such love is. This new perspective makes so much more sense than believing in a God that makes arbitrary rules!
Now that I know these things - I feel a great loss (& anger) over missed past relationships, & I have a great desire to prevent my loss from becoming the loss that others experience too. I look at younger guys, & now I know that many of them hide behind the same exact wall of fear & rhetoric that I did; -- & that many feel irreconcilable with God & society because of the well-woven lies that exude from a handful of poorly translated (& outright adulterated) verses of Scripture. It just busts me up to see the same cycle of deceit robbing these great guys of the deep relationships they can have with their best buddies; -- Relationships that will take the edge off other types of social tension & ultimately give these guys more empathy for their fellow man.
And on the other hand - I see the great danger & immorality represented by a swelling portion of the gay-male community as it pushes a Godless mindset backed by a buffet of drugs, self-centeredness & the immoral acts of a meat-market mentality. Sadly, it's the so-called 'church' that pushes people toward the latter because it is preaching a message that says God hates same-sex attractions & commands that people not 'feel' in order to be 'right'. According to them: Right-standing with God comes down to "Jesus" + "who you phuck" (blunt – but an accurate distillation of their deadly theology).
Now, some 30+ years into the reality of so-called "ex-gay" movements; -- Their utter failure shows that the biggest lies about sexual feelings come from the so-called 'church' itself, & what these counterfeit-gospel preachers teach is a God-damned-fraud - with endless accounts of monumental failure, wasted lives & destroyed faiths.
Looking at the liars on the religious right & political left, -- I think it's somewhat of a miracle that g0ys.org happened at all! What I would have been willing to give to have had somebody point out to me (when I was just 12 or 13 years old) that God's commandment against `men lying with mankind' was a prohibition against the act of anal-sex; --Not a blanket condemnation on all male/male intimacy. Like many guys - I've never ever had the inclination to have a buddy (or myself) "play the female role". I've always found the mere concept of penetrating a guy (or woman) completely distasteful & disrespectful! G0YS made it clear that St. Paul was writing about guys like me when he penned:
"For when goy'm, (the ones not having [the] Law), by nature are doing the [things] of the Law, these not having [the] Law are a law to themselves; --who show the work of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness with [them], and among themselves their thoughts accusing or even defending [them]" -Romans 2:14-15
What I would have given early on to have known that I had not violated some divine commandment; -- being close to a buddy whom I loved & in mutual nakedness - slowly nudging each other on in love until we stiffened in each other's embrace & softly groaned as our loins - rhythmically locked & become synchronized with each other's maleness; --To have had peace in that afterglow instead of the echo'd rants of some ego-inflated preechar trying to suggest that guys who love each other are on par with crowd bent on gang rape -like in the Sodom story! The irony is that Sodom's fate awaits the likes of you in the afterlife - you faith-destroying rabid-Rabbi!
But no: What a stronger conscience between the two of us would have declared to be the deepest male-bond 2 buds could experience, -was instead assaulted by young-consciences weakened by lies that accused such a wonderful & passionate moment of bonding as being an "abomination". To have such a deep afterglow of love be assailed by so many false, accusing lies made an act of love & acceptance, between guys become a 'thing of shame that needed to be hidden away'. To have been able to explain to my buddy why 'church-society' was so totally wrong; - 0h where were the g0ys!
Well, the past has been swallowed by time, & today -- some of the buddies I once cuddled with until we climaxed with subdued yells; -Some of them are now hypocritically pushing a message in contradiction to their very own experience/s! Some still live in denial & in search of love & affection - trying to dull the faux-voices of shame/guilt - with drug & alcohol abuse.
Shortly after discovering g0ys.org, I happened to meet up with a friend who was 3 years ahead of me in school while growing up. We decided to get together at my place that weekend, & to my surprise - my 'Christian' friend showed up a little bit drunk. He was also much more physically uninhibited with occasional half-hugs; -- & when we sat to watch a rented video - he sat on the sofa up against me. It did feel really good to put an arm around the guy & pull him close during the movie & occasionally rub heads together with him.
Having already spent time reading the g0ys site - I figured that my friend was probably into guys, too -& probably was feeling lonely that weekend. Had it happened - even a month earlier - I would have been freaked out by his advances.
Now - armed with some knowledge from g0ys.org - I was able to handle the 'shock' of learning that yet another buddy from my past had similar feelings to mine - & had for years. We slowly disrobed each other over the course of the movie without saying a word as we slow-cuddled & caressed.
Like me, he'd stayed in decent shape since school so undressing him was a little like unwrapping a gift. At the end of the movie - I shut down the TV & led him to my bedroom where we dropped our shorts & slid into the bed totally nude & gently slid into a pec2pec, balls2balls embrace where we took our time slo-lov'n on each other. It was an awesome thing experiencing my buddy as he climaxed: From his excited breathing & pounding heartbeat - to his open handed caresses as he embraced my back. His arched torso & stiffened muscles celebrated my hug, - as his muscular butt slowly writhed around under my hands announcing his loss of composure. When he finally peaked - his seizuring penis dumped copious amounts of man-sauce on our heaving abs. The experience captured his deepest emotions & made him vocalize a long series of sweet groans as he unloaded his body's tension in a series of fluid laden gushes. Of course - he was caught up in my similar reaction to him.
For the first time in my life - coming down into the afterglow had no accusers anywhere in my mind. Knowledge had driven them far from me. Instead: I felt a close, intimate friendship & a strong bond with my buddy. It didn't take him long to nod off - still wrapped around me. I just caressed & nuzzled on him until sleep overtook me too.
The next day at about 9, he woke up & slid out of the bed to shower. I waited in the living room because that's where he'd need to get his shoes. As I'd suspected, he'd planned on leaving & had a mildly uneasy demeanor. It took a couple of minutes, but I convinced him to let me show him something on my computer.
I took him to , & where-as he had only planned to stay for a 'few minutes', - he ended up staying over the next night too. I'd never known that another guy could be hurting so badly. As I began to walk him thru the site & show him the information - I could see peace & genuine understanding begin to replace the confusion & self- condemnation that he'd lived with for as long as he could recall.
My friend came from a 'religious' home, & his uncle was a "church leader" in a high position who was very anti-gay in his preaching. As we got into the theology section of g0ys.org - the tears began to fill my friend's eyes as years of weight, shame & self-condemnation lifted from him. To say he'd had an experience with the truth would be an understatement! I haven't seen many guys cry like that, but running into truth, love & affirmation will do that to men with troubled hearts who seek for answers.
My friend drank to excess because a part of him did not feel acceptable - the part that wanted masculine intimacy but had been taught to feel a self-loathing shame because of the feelings. He previously couldn't reconcile what he felt -with what society around him told him was acceptable – vs. the 'church'. He drank to dull the pain & make the lying voices of guilt stop talking. When I showed him where the Scripture explained that Jesus Himself had silenced the voices of guilt - that's when my friend had his epiphany & he no longer drinks to get drunk.
I've had to ask myself – "How many men are in similar situations for whatever the reason?". What happens to men when those whom they should be able to trust, - lie to them; -- & nowhere in society can they go to get this issue thoughtfully resolved? The so-called "church" has been caught in a giant set of lies & false accusations against nearly half of the population! According to the same Law of Moses that they threaten people with: An accusing false witness is to suffer the same fate as had been intended to those it testified falsely against! When Paul told the Galatians that those preaching another gospel were "anathema" (damned), he meant it.
My friend & I soon got a place together. He brought a number of strengths into my life that I appreciate immensely & I've helped him accept himself for the first time in his adult life. See, my buddy doesn't relate to 'gAy'. He's not into the camp or the gender bending aspects of what 'gAy' seems all about these days; --& he doesn't want anything to do with those themes (he works construction & the environment is rough). He believes that since he doesn't embrace most of what 'gAy' is; -- he sees no need to wear a label implying he might be complicit. To him - his pride as a man is very important; & he sees gAy-male culture, - in general - as diminishing that pride thru degrading acts & cross-gender fetishes. Lots of guys relate strongly to the same feelings.
What we both want to do now is make a difference; - Thanks to the g0ys! We're spreading the word about it to all age groups; -- And really trying to let younger guys know. I spent too much time running from love thinking that I was the problem. Since discovering the g0ys movement - I've been able to change lots of lives with a simple web address, & I found a real love in the process.
To those people who have managed to live under cover and avoided detection by their religious networks and friends - I have a sober warning for you. You see, the Scriptures teach that "From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks". You already know what those people in your circle of "friends" think about you because in most cases - they've made it known to your face without knowing that they were talking specifically about you as they ranted on about same-gender-attracted people. I was once in a church service and one of my "friends" came over to me and whispered that the new guy across the room was a "fag". I replied, "Really? Thanks for the heads-up". See, my "friend", simply presumed he was telling another guy something about someone he disliked. What he was really telling me was that he was not really my friend - hence my earlier use of quotes around the term.
I also attended a high-school in the same community. One day in history class, the subject of "gays" came up and the class got into an open discussion about "them". Two of the guys whom I considered to be really good friends of mine made the comment that if they themselves were "gay" that they'd kill themselves. And in that moment they had also told me what they really felt about me, (but they didn't realize it at the time because I was completely in concealment). Over the following years, as people got married/divorced/remarried & had kids; - Rumors about my sexuality began to emerge because I didn't do those things. I had actually moved far away. Those so-called "good friends" from my youth have long since stopped reaching out to me - even on holidays (& I stood as the best man in one of their weddings). You see - they were never really my friends - even though I considered myself a friend to them. But as time passed and rumors spread - they cut me out of their lives due to their prejudices against same-gender-attracted guys. The good-news in the present day is that more guys are discovering g0ys: & fewer hypocrites exist now that a masculine, healthy, honorable option exists in g0ys.
Ironically, there are a number of similar, newer "friendships" is have established in my new location. These are people who would tell you that they're very good friends with me; - & I myself consider them fondly. However, many of these people are connected to bigoted religious circles & beliefs. The fact is that several have already inadvertently made it known what they really think of me -without even realizing that what they said about others - also included me. Just as those back in high-school, -they don't even realize they've done it. It's a pattern that is quite consistent. Some reading may ask why I'm not "out" or simply open about my g0yness? It's because I am also a church reformer and I act covertly ... over time. I know that at some future time my nature as a g0y will become known and many of those people who would testify today to their great friendship with me - will prove (via their actions) that they were never really my friends at all. I'm ready for it. I've been thru it before. And I'll move on. But in the interim - I'll be watching for guys in crisis and find ways to inform these men about the g0ys perspective and the Scriptural apologetics from the g0ys.org website. And I'll also continue using the Internet to confront religious bigots from behind the shield of identity concealment. It works and I can often observe closely the results of such a communication. So, if you're a guy who loves guys/too and doesn't fit in with "gAy" alphabet soup groups - then know in advance that a number of your current "best friendships" are completely unilateral regarding the reality. And in most cases, you already know who those people are. At some future time - these people will shun you - because with their own lips - they've already made their position clear in casual conversation. Be ready for them to withdraw from your life completely. As bad as it feels - it's much better to realize that fact in advance. Some may repent of their bigotry, -but because it's engrained with a false religious belief -- don't count on it. They're the ones with the bigger, eternal problem -- because Yeshua himself was "hated without reason".
I only wish I would have known earlier that there was a sane path between the "Don't feel" religious crowd vs. the "Don't cling to morals" social ditches. Better late than never I suppose."
- A Fellow g0y