Dean Cain - formerly the star of Lois & Kent (Superman), is part Japanese. Most people don't know that. I do. I'm about 10% American Indian myself (based on my grandmother's claims) & prior to this website - I would have described myself as "Gay, mixed-race - without the anal-fetish or camp-baggage". G0Y does a much better job describing me.
My epiphany began a while back when my car broke down outside of the town of |EDITED|. A guy in a pickup truck came along & gave me a lift into town because it was too late for wrecker service in those parts. I'd have to do it tomorrow between 9-5. He seemed to be a really nice guy & invited me to a church function that was going on & his family would attend. Since I was raised in a small town church, I accepted.
The service was very much like what I'd grown up with. Songs, hymns & responsive reading followed by a sermon on being kind to strangers (oh how poetic). In almost every way, this small town church echoed the ones I'd been raised in from childhood. After the sermon, there was a meeting in the community center across the street where a pot-luck supper was being served. I was invited to join them.
The food was really good & there was a wide selection. The cooks in this town had obvious talent. Everyone seemed kind & conversation was light-hearted. We discussed jobs, family & some people even began to discuss politics. It was overhearing the political discussions that I began to realize that the reality of the setting was far from the appearance. See, as I listened to various people interject their comments - I slowly came to realize that I was in the middle of a white supremacy gathering. The church didn't say "Arian Nations" -- but it probably could have. As I stood there in my 10% Indian ancestry, - the biggest shock was how perfect it all appeared on the surface. I'd been with these people for upwards of 4 hours & in a religious service that reminded me very much of the little church I attended in my home town -- right down to the altar call for conversion to "Christ". 4 hours later, I was beginning to see that "Christ" to these people was probably the likes of a former German Chancellor named Adolph.
As I listened to the widespread political discourse & phrases interjected like "intermixing", "mongrelization", "impure" & others ... this is where my epiphany began. These people saw me as one of their "own" & doing so, treated me well. However, I knew that my background - a past that I had no control over contained Indian ancestors. By their own words ... I was one of the intermixed mongrels they so casually spoke about. I was neatly hidden behind their ideal appearance of blond/blue. Their entire concept of reality was based on what their eyes saw. As I've already said: these people were white supremacists - not racial separatists (there is a difference). So, despite the fact everyone treated me nicely; -- I knew from the manner of their conversation that if they knew me better - that they'd not be welcoming me at all. After all ... the truth was scattered in their common conversations. They were clear that they hated me. They simply didn't know it yet because their religion was based on their senses & what they thought was within a man's genealogy.
|My epiphany started upon me in
it's fullness when I remembered a quote: "He
who says that he is in the light, and has hate in his heart for his
brother, is still in the dark." -
My epiphany continued: "In this way it is clear who are the children of God and who are the children of the Evil One; anyone who does not do righteousness or who has no love for his brother, is not a child of God." - Apostle John.
And: "Anyone who has hate for his brother is a taker of life, and you may be certain that no taker of life has eternal life in him." - Apostle John.
"If a man says, I have love for God, and has hate for his brother, his words are false: for how is the man who has no love for his brother whom he has seen, able to have love for God whom he has not seen?" - Apostle John.
"Who is my brother?", I asked myself & a moment later, the answer came: "But Jesus in answer said to him who gave the news, "Who is my mother and who are my brothers?". And he put out his hand to his disciples and said, "See, my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the pleasure of my Father in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother."
And then I contemplated: "Who does the pleasure of God?"; - And the answer came as before: "And without faith it is not possible to be well-pleasing to Him." - Hebrews 11:6
"And this is his law, that we have faith in the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love for one another, even as he said to us." - Apostle John.
It took exposure to a group of white supremacists who claimed to be "Christian" to show me that all the warmth of community & kindness I saw in my home town church was the same atmosphere that these people generated. This was a shock. I had always imagined the likes of groups that spawned organizations like the KKK to consist of rabid, drooling lunatics; -- not the same kind of people who attended my home town church. But, here they were - in politically correct form - but with the same ideas that Saul|Paul said were not Christian: "For all those of you who were given baptism into Christ did put on Christ. There is no Jew or Greek, servant or free, male and female: because you are all one in Jesus Christ." These people were all hung up on the "Jew or Greek" issue. They think race & genealogy mattered to God. Paul said it didn't & the example he used contrasted the Jews (God's chosen for the Messiah's lineage) against Greeks - a bunch of polytheistic pagans in Jewish eyes! In comparison to that example, there could be no greater contrast; -- Yet, these "Christians" wanted to contrast being "White" against every other race! And how did they see the other races of men? As lesser than themselves. I think history is quite clear as to the lengths such people will go: Declaring human rights to be for themselves & not others. It is the ultimate form of disrespect. Yet, here I was - among a group of people who for the most part exuded the same feeling of community & "goodness" that the church from my hometown did.
Of course - my hometown church did not hype on the issue of race. However, they did preach loudly & often against the "HO-MO-SEK-SHUAL AGENDA". Suddenly, that same quote from Saul|Paul entered my mind again - this time, the part that drew my attention was the part about no "male and female in Christ Jesus. Sexual orientation - is by its very definition, dependant on their being "male & female". If gender ceased to be a dividing line in the new Christ Creature ("if any man be in Christ he is a new creation"), then that meant that all "sex" was essentially "homo"! "Homo" by definition means "like". A light was coming on very quickly in my mind. If the 1st part of the verse meant that races were the same in Christ & that interracial marriages were a "non-issue" before God, - then the part about not being any male & female raised a similar point. Gender has become a moot issue as well!
I wrote the above portion a long time ago - several decades; -And since that time I've lived a lot more life and had much more experience with the same. I'm one of those hyper-trustworthy people that others generally come to deeply respect after getting to know me - over years. People trust me with their financials, security systems & inner thoughts. Like so many g0ys, - I live my life discretely and usually tell other men about the g0ys movement via the Internet - for the most part.
However - because I live my life so discretely and have an interest in theology, - many of my "friends" are church-goers. I use ""-quotes around the term friends, because I firmly believe that most of these people would not be my friend if they knew I was g0y. I have very good reasons to believe this and it pains me - to be in a place where many people esteem me highly but would shun me if they really knew me.
And before the trolls begin to accuse my "lifestyle" - let me tell you that I have no "lifestyle" other than being very alone for decades. All I can say is that once you begin a life in solitude and deeply suspect of other people's motives - that years pass and you eventually discover that you've missed the early opportunities to build deeper relationships. The early inner programming that happens as a result of constant threats by people who express hate towards those who happen to share same gender affections can cause a deep-seated fear of forming relationships. As decades pass - those opportunities come along less and less until you find yourself very alone and encapsulated in circumstances that keep you lonely.
And as time passes - people ask questions like why you don't date & haven't been married (or divorced 2 or 3 times already). Some people begin to spread rumors. Other people figure it out. And as that happens - lots of people shut you out of their lives. Guys who once considered me to be among their best-friends - even - guys who considered me to be their best friend - begin to figure out that I'm not into women and they vanish/ed out of my life. Some of these guys are people I made a massive positive impact on and in their lives. I've stood as the "best-man" at their weddings and helped them thru college -- as their "best friend". The silence across the decades is deafening and the pain of their absence is too much to take in so I try not to think much about it. It's absolutely crushing to realize that the people I care about the most, don't actually like me at all (they just haven't figured it out yet)..
This g0ys thing is changing people - but I'm from a time when such paranoia was put into society by so many "conservatives" and "churches" terrified that two men might hold hands (or more) on a park bench somewhere - that natural affection was effectively killed. People generally seemed too dumb to see that between celibacy and ass-fuck-orgies existed a place where male/male love expressed itself without AnalSex, disrespect nor sexually transmitted disease.
I do not wish the pain of being terribly alone on anyone - nor the feelings of being hated without cause. But what I have gained is perspective about abusive, prejudiced people and what they want: They simply want you to NOT exist. All their rhetoric aside about "lifestyle"; -- My experience has been that these people don't really care what you actually do. They're too tied up being hatefully codependent with what you might be "feeling"; -Because I've had no "lifestyle" for people to point fingers at. My former best-friends - as close as family in some cases - abandoned me over time because of what they came to believe I "felt" on the inside -- not due to any perilous actions they could point to that I had done. So what they proved by their abandonment is that they hated me for merely what I "felt" - not anything I had done to them. And that is the very definition of hatred based on prejudice.
Did any take time to ask questions or seek clarity? No. They merely slithered away without any words - neither harsh, inquisitive, nor otherwise. So when I tell you that I feel the same peril about most of my current "friendships" - I have good reasons to believe that. And I can't articulate how painful it is to look around a room full of people who have come to respect, -trust and confide in me ... to look around that room and know that if they knew the affection I simply FELT on the inside about attractive men - that they'd mostly reject me completely. I know this because of comments many of them make in my presence - directed toward "homo-sexshu-als". The way I present myself is so antithetical to their stereotypes that they can't imagine that I'm a hard-6 on the Kinsey sexuality rating scale. So they insult me to my face without knowing that I happen to be a member of the group they are slandering.
So many men have trusted me with their pasts - how they were womanizers - guy-sluts with completely debased agendas. And even after they stopped playing the whore-dog role -- many have had several failed marriages. One explained how he found the love of his life and today has a family, home, kids, pets, etc. -after living a life of womanizing. I speak in their meetings, open up depths of their theology that they've not previously contemplated. I can read and speak the original languages of the Scriptures and I am constantly being told what a "blessing", what an "asset" I have been to their meetings. And I try to be polite, thoughtful & empathetic in their situations -- but when I sit alone at night - I often break down - emotionally devastated as I consider the actual nature of these "friendships". Because, as I've said: These people hate me. They just haven't figured it out yet. I care about them. And it's not anything I've done. It's based solely on what I might "feel". They literally hate my state of being. They will use expressions like "God hats the sin but loves the sinner.". But they don't actually believe that. They hate the PERSON they claim to be the "SINNER" - even if there's NO ACTUAL EVIDENCE OF SIN - ONLY ALLEGATIONS.
They - who have lived in "rank-sin" and now claim to believe in "God's forgiveness" - ironically hate me for something that the Scripture does not even name as a "sin"! The theology here on this g0ys site nailed it. AnalSex is the "sin". Every Rabbi knows Torah forbids that specific act. It's astonishing how many religious people want to expand that commandment to cover all matters of same-gender affection (all the while expecting forgiveness for their earlier lives of rank-depravity). They, who have lived in admitted immorality and seek forgiveness, - continue to slander & hate without reason - those whom they only hallucinate are "sinners" from poorly translated Scriptural passages & very bad theology. Ironic - isn't it. To them - Yeshua+Who-you-screw - equals salvation. I have come to realize that lots of men feel like I do in these things. My experience is common ...
So why do I hang out with these people at all? It's at least (2) reasons. The first is that my theological beliefs are between me and God. And God historically sends men like me to minister to people like them. And every once and again - a guy will confide in me that he "struggles" with same gender attractions. That occurrence gives me the opening to point him at the g0ys movement and I get to watch the lights come on as a guy is liberated from lies called "historical church doctrine". And once a guy who has already openly articulated this issue gets a "head's up" - he begins to share the g0ys perspective and other people begin to have the same freeing epiphany. And then the church generally splits. I have come to understand that this sort of thing happens more and more as people discover the g0ys.
At my current age, -I honestly believe my most prime years have been lost to the religious-lies hammered into me before discovering g0ys. I look back with such despair of having missed so much of life and its possibilities. Although I've loved lots of people through the two-way-mirror of my camouflaged-self, --I've lived a life without truly being loved and it has been horribly lonely & painful. What drives me on now, - is freeing others from the lies that stole my early years, and watching them experience genuine peace & an expanded life-potential as they learn to rightfully discern that morality is simply based on actions that build others up & that do no harm (not about who you love).
So, if you've spent your life like me - trying to do the right thing while being hated without reason by those who (for a while) considered you a best friend -- yeah, -you weren't alone in your situation. I believe that sometime in the future, - God is going to resnap the timeline and we'll get back 7x what we lost. Press forward. Do good.