Looking back I've realized that it was always about ATTITUDE.  I've never been an overly sexed guy.  Maybe it was the time frame I grew up in.  The fact was - between my conservative home & religious surroundings - I was always extremely discrete about my encounters - often taking great pains to test the proverbial waters before diving in. 

By the time I was 15, I fell in love.  Hard, all-thought consuming: LUV.  Sex ranked #2 next to being loved back by the guy.  We started out as "friends" at a Christian camp.  It took me all of a day to realize that something about the guy stuck in my heart.  He was 25 - a counselor (can I find a crisis waiting to happen of what)!  He was still single, but spoke of some girl named "Terri" he met up with during his time off.  After the 3rd day of being in his company - I envied Terri terribly. 

I was scheduled to be at camp all summer.  My parents left me there each year.  I guess they thought it would rub off & do me some good.  I guess it did - but there was a good deal of bad teaching I needed to address as I got older.  Some people can't do that - unlearn.  They feel their faith is "all or nothing".  I never saw things that way.  Especially sex.  Some said jack'n was a sin.  Other's said it wasn't.  One guy said - it depended on what you were think'n when you did it.  He reasoned that if the object of your fantasy was married -- then you were in effect - committing adultery.  That actually made sense to me because I figured that what you thought of as a 'kid', you'd have the balls to do as you got older.  He also said that if you thought about other guys while you JO'd, that meant you were a 'homosexual abomination'.  At first this analysis really bothered me - because guys were the only thing in my fantasy box.  However, it eventually dawned on me that I was a guy with my dick in my hand - a guy's dick (mine ... but a guy's).  And it was my hand - getting a guy off (me).  So...by his logic, it was OK to get a guy off as long as you weren't thinking about getting a guy off.  Hmmmm.  I didn't have nuts to point out my revelation to him face to face (on account he might ask if I was jack'n - think'n about guys).  No...I typed him a letter & put it in his mailbox while nobody was watching. 

The next day -- his thinking seemed preoccupied.  That week, he seemed agitated.  By the weekend, he had resigned his position.  The office secretary began to spread the rumor that it was because of 'homosexual tendencies'.  Phuck!  These people were dangerous.  I knew what had been bothering him & somehow - his issue with jack'n had been gossiped into a homosexual thing.  He probably talked to someone & raised the argument I'd written down - & somebody overheard - misunderstanding the exact nature of his dilemma.  Damn! These people were really, really dangerous.  I decided to take every thought into captivity & never let this group know how I really felt down deep. 

Dave continued to see Terri - or so he occasionally mentioned.  But, as spent more time with him (& believe me, I found reasons to), I began to notice the way his gaze fixated on me as I'd do things.  I was in real good shape as a 15 year old; - Chopped all the family's fire-wood & did other things that buffed me up.  I had almost no body fat & puberty hit me hard at 14 -- so you could say I was a 'looker'.  My instincts were telling me that Dave was look'n.  But, there was this indecision within me as to whether he really was - or if me wanting him to - was making me think stuff that wasn't so.

I figured I'd test the waters by doing things around him.  Like, I'd occasionally lift the bottom of my shirt while I was around him & wipe my forehead with it - exposing my abs & pleasure trail.  With the material up against my face, - I could see thru it & scope if I was being scoped.  I discovered that Dave was scoping - but seemed to be trying not to. 

I had also brought 2-pairs of swim trunks.  One was last year's & fit tightly - so I wore that one more often & then got a bottle of cheap tanning lotion.  Of course, I needed someone to put it on me, so I'd ask Dave.  He seemed a little set back at first - but after having done it a few times - he was relaxing into it & taking his time to "get me all over good". 

Dave was a total stud-machine.  He had dark hair & bushy brows.  He always had a shadow on his face & a line of black hair that went from pecs to pubes.  Dave was about 5'11" & he worked out.  It was all packed tight on his medium frame.  At 15, I was an inch or so shorter than he was, though!  He had this soft, deep & gentle voice that could get stern if he needed to.  Oh, and the guy could sing & play guitar too.  He never put anyone down & always had an ear to listen - too.  Man, could he play hard though!  I learned right away to be on whatever "team" Dave was on because he was ruthless at play.  I had talked him into being a workout partner with me & we were making it happen. 

At week 7 of a 9 week summer, Dave & I had become virtual brothers.  I'd look up & call him "Big bro" & he'd look down & call me "Big bro" - yeah -- there were no "little bros'.  I knew murder was wrong ... but I also knew that Terri must die (she must -she must)!  Actually - I was beginning to suspect that "Terri" was a ghost anyhow.  Nobody had ever seen her it seemed. 

Anyway - Dave was becoming more physical with me.  He'd often put a hand on my shoulder or give me a hug when entering the room.  We saw a lot of each other with our clothes off & he'd often give a muscle a gentle squeeze & complement the growth.  I was doing the same right back to him - & of course, I'd joke around & ask stuff like if he'd been getting taller.  People began to refer to me as "Dave's side-kick".  I didn't mind. 

As the summer went by, our touches lingered until we'd rub'n-massage on each other when we were alone.  We both knew what was slowly happening - but like a frog in a pot of slowly heating water - neither one of us was too prude to run away screaming in terror of turning 'gay'.  You see -- there was nothing 'unnatural' about it.  I loved him & he loved me & we were both downplaying the reality of the situation.

On the Monday of the last week of summer, Dave had to make an emergency trip home.  There had been an accident up the street & a broken water main was causing enough soil erosion that his apartment was in serious peril.  He had to move his stuff to another place.  He ended up moving the entire place with his pickup truck - 1 load at a time to a storage warehouse.  When I say everything ... I mean everything ... stove, fridge, etc.  He couldn't find anyone to help - being a Monday - so he was all alone. 

However, on Tuesday, he was back at camp.  I was glad because having him gone hurt me inside like being hungry in a strange way. Tuesday night was also the night of the scheduled overnight campout trip to crystal mountain falls.  I had a tent; -- & Dave's had a big hole in his (I'm not confessing to noth'n).

As Tuesday dragged on, I could see that Dave was drag'n too.  Several times during the day, he stopped & wanted to take a nap - but something always came up needing his assistance.  By the time we hiked the 4 miles to the campsite, his butt was majorly exhausted.  We built a large campfire & ate our "foil dinners" & then had a brief devotional.

It was dusk & the Sr. counselor told everyone to set up their tents.  I found a spot on the other side of the falls inside a thicket of fur trees that was covered with a thick bed of pine-needles making the ground soft.  I staked the tend up there.  Getting back down, I observed Dave discovering the hole in his tent.  I told him "bummer" & invited him to share mine & then told him about how great a spot I'd found.  He was debating it in his mind - but without a better offer, he agreed.  I led him across the bottom of the falls on the rocks that formed a crude bridge.  We got to the other side & I suggested we go swimming.  It was pretty dark - so we both went in the raw.  The water was cold & we didn't stay in for long - just enough to get the grime of hiking off.  Getting out, we just put our briefs on & walked up the noel to the fur tree thicket.  I opened the tent & we sat at the door opening drying off with a small towel I had grabbed from my pack. 

I lifted each of Dave's feet & brushed the needles off them - resting the foot in my lap after having cleaned it.  Dave was quiet - probably from being so exhausted.  "Up ya go..." I nudged him after each foot was debris free.  With a groan, he slid his butt up into the tent.  I brushed my feet off & soon followed him - zipping closed the door behind.

Inside, he was sprawled out on top of the sleeping bags with his sore body breathing deeply.  I reached back down & lifted his right bare foot.  As I began to slow squeeze it in a massage, Dave let out a moan that was half sigh & half groan of pleasure.  As I worked his feet & legs, he began to snore softly as sleep overtook him.  I got up to his thighs & asked him if he wanted to take  "these" (his briefs) off.  He was totally unresponsive, - so I asked again; --  Then a 3rd time. Having that stud body beside me was awesome - but I felt compelled to have him totally naked - like that was "the goal".  I kicked my brief's off & then slid my thumbs under the waistband of his.  With a gentle, smooth motion, I slid them down under the weight of his buns - over his thighs, knees, ankles - & finally off.  Victory!

My heart was hammering in my ears.  I slowly slid my hand back up over his feet & legs to his thighs.  Where there was always a barrier of material before - now there was supple man skin.  I slowly & gently moved my palms & fingertips to his hip bones & felt the little crease lines that had been made by his short's waistband just a minute earlier.  I gently reached over & pulled the unzipped sleeping bag over us. 

Then I slid my hand back to his naked waistline.  Slowly, I moved my hand inward feeling the thickness of his body hair increase the closer to his midline I got.  I was slightly below his naval & realized that his flaccid manhood must be pointing downward - as all I felt was his thickening pleasure trail.  I gradually moved my hand down until I felt the point where his cock was anchored to his groin.  He breathed deeply - still making little occasional snoring sounds.  I lightly moved my fingertips down onto the soft shaft of his penis.  He was about 4" flaccid, & circumcised.  I softly wrapped my fingers around it's girth & gave a gentle, prolonged squeeze - then relaxed.  Over the next few minutes, I repeated the process very slowly & gently.  Gradually, his breathing began to pick up as the girth of his shaft grew in my gentle grip.  He was still deeply sleeping - this was just a male reflex.  I gently continued & as his size got larger, his penis began to become firmer & had a tendency to want to point the other way - so I repositioned his growing erection - pointing toward his navel. 

Soon, he was quite long & hard.  I could feel the veins that fed his mantool under the soft skin - just above the hardness.  His breathing was deeper & faster as his sleep became punctuated with soft snores & gentle moans.  As I slowly stroked his shaft, it would occasionally hop - sometimes stiffening substantially - & usually accompanied by a soft, intense groan from Dave.  As the minutes slowly passed, he began to leak some precum as his cock continued to get harder & harder.  Soon, it was twitching & throbbing in my hand every few seconds.  From his sleep, Dave let out a frantic, whispered whimper - followed by a gasp as his dick became as big & hard as I'd felt it.  As I gently continued to stroke him, it began to throb about once a second as a flow of hot thick syrup began to pump out of it - over my gently stroking hand & onto his abs. 

Knowing that I was getting Dave off - caused me to pump out a pool of my own spunk - which spilled down onto the floor of the tent.  As Dave's penis continued to convulse & pump his man load, he softly whimpered & groaned from his sleep; - but his sleep didn't let him go.  For him - it had been just a powerful wet dream. 

After I was done experiencing my nutt - & him his, - I reached for that small towel again & gently wiped him off & the small pool on the tent floor.  I moved the 2nd sleeping bag so it covered the gap in the floor & I relaxed with my arm around Dave's upper body.  The feel of his breathing & heartbeat inside his awesome physique was like a drug.  I just laid there - taking it all in.

An hour or so later, I felt Dave stir under my hug.  He slowly awoke & slid his hand up over my arm as he got himself oriented to his situation.  I feigned sleep.  He sat up & unzipped the tent door.  As he slid down I heard him whisper "huh?" to himself - probably discovering he was nude.  My heart pumped quickly.  He stepped outside - groaning in soreness as he did so.  A few moments later, I could hear the unmistakable sound of a stream of water hitting the ground a few meters away.  His piss lasted a long time.  When he was done, I could hear a few drops as he tapped.  Footsteps back this way & then his groan as he sat at the door. 

I shifted around as if I was still sleeping & merely changing position.  I did - directly to the center of the tent.  I heard the door being zippered closed & then the top sleeping bag move as Dave slid back under it - crawling forward .  The way I'd positioned myself - he would not be able to sleep on the same side he had before - but would be able to on the other side - if he crossed over me.  Dave soon discovered the odd angle I was positioned in & as he lifted himself to move over me, I smoothly turned some & reaching up - gently grabbed his hovering torso & pulled him down on top of me - so that we were pec2pec, balls2balls. 

Dave let out a quiet chuckle & then proceeded to whisper, "Bro - I'm too sore to wrestle with ya.".  I wrapped my legs around him & rolled him over onto his back - with me on top.  Holding his arms up over his head - pinned against the tent floor I gave him a smootch on the neck.  He softly laughed some more & tried to move his exhausted arms.  I kept my grip & rotated his arms around so they were behind his back. I gave him another smooch - this time on the bridge of his perfect nose. I felt him growing wood which made me grow wood.  Another 10-15 seconds passed & we were a couple of lone poles on the prairie - each fully aware of the other.

"Big bro ... Haven't I done everything to avoid this...", Dave whispered in a slightly concerned tone.

"I guess you have.", I answered. "I guess that's the reason I'm on top of ya & not the other way around."

"Bro ... do you know how much trouble I - we - could get in?"

"Ya know...", I began. "My dick has worked just fine since I was 12.  It worked fine with 3 of my friends before any of us even knew was 'sex' was...", I continued.  "Nobody has had an informative word for me about that stuff at the time it really would have come in handy.  Then, all those messages about gay people & Sodom dumped this huge guilt trip on me."  Dave was quiet as I continued. "Then I hear where pricks like James Dobson say they think jack'n isn't necessarily a sin.  That got my mind to going...".  I proceeded to tell him about the note I'd written the other counselor earlier in the summer & what it had led to. "So, my conclusion is simple: You just can't win with the religion we have unless you are ready to believe that God is a complete prick...& I'm not ready to believe that.  I'm more apt to think that some preachers are complete pricks.  Because if I can shake your hand & it's not a sin; And I can jack off -- & it's not a sin - or even a 'big sin' ... then the conclusion is that I can jack you off because when you get down to the brass tacks - it's all just skin on skin."

Dave laid there for a couple of minutes - thinking.  "But Sodom was...", he began.

"Hey Big Bro...", I interrupted. "I've read that story about 1000 times now and do you know what I see?  I'll tell ya: I see a paranoid bunch of guys who sat around drinking & talking up their fears until they were ready to form a mob & gang rape a couple of complete strangers who they thought might be spies.  What does that have to do with what you and I are feeling right now?  Huh?  Just try & tell me you don't love me like I do you.".  Saying that, I let go of Dave's arms.

He brought them in around me & slowly caressed my back, neck & upper glutes.  "I never thought of it that way before", Dave whispered gently.  "Fact is that most scholars believe that Joseph was only 15 when he was engaged to Mary.  His dick probably worked just fine too.  Guess it's pretty corny to expect guys to wait forever & then lie about what they really are doing...like hypocrisy ... that's bad stuff.".  I was quiet - letting him continue. "And you're right - I do luv ya man ... I really do.  You're totally mature - it's just the age thing.  I've been try'n to lay low, but you've got to be one of the best look'n guys I've ever known."

Hearing him say that brought tears to my eyes as I pressed my lips to his big neck for a long second.  He went on: "I guess that I know in my heart that you are a mature dude for your age & that the age difference is what concerns me the most.  I've tried so hard to be this role model Christian counselor for as long as I can recall.  Now I've got a stud in my arms 10 years my junior & I don't want to let it slip away.  I guess when I find conflict, I go all out."

I pressed my forehead to his - locking my gaze in his. "Can't you just trust your gut?", I asked. "When I'm doing something wrong - I know it.  Stealing, picking on other people, lying...I have a conscience.  Being with you doesn't make my conscience hurt.  The only thing that would have made me hesitate at all was that Sodom story shit they've been shoveling for since I can remember ... & when I finally read that story for myself:  It's not a story about us.  Dave swallowed hard as I went on. "What I know is that I love you so much that I want to crawl under your skin to be one with you.  I think about you all the time & when you're not near me - I feel so empty.  You're the most beautiful phuck'n thing in the world & I wanna make you feel good too.  What's wrong with that?  At what point in the future are any of those religious, Sodom-pushing arseholes gonna validate our friendship?  Far as I can tell -- they're nothing but lying thieves - stealing the lives that might have been - away from people."

"But our ages...", Dave softly commented.

"Hey Big Bro ... Who's on top of who here?  My dick works.  I'm not some kid.  I made the moves on you.  That means something ... ya know?  If I'd been some dork who didn't know squat about sex, then maybe you'd have a point ... but I'm in public school & surrounded by people talking shit about it all day - every day.  A despite all their talk'n, - they haven't got what we have.  I haven't ever had anyone do to me what you do & I'm not talking just about my dick."

Dave pulled the open sleeping bag over us & once we were covered - he slowly rubbed & scratched all over body with his huge Dave-paws.  His gentle touches & friendly nibbles on my lips, ears & nose were like Heaven's previews.  Eventually, the hardness between our legs reached it's peak as we clutched each other & pumped out a few billion sperm each onto his flat abs.  After, his breathing was deep as he continued to hug & lightly caress me.  "What are we going to do after this week, Big Bro", - Dave asked.

"Dunno.  You're gonna have to get a job or something in my town.  They're building an addition onto our school.  They'll need teachers. Or, we can tough it out until I'm 16 in 6 months & get emancipated.  I can move in with you where your at."

"Man...I really like the sound of that...", Dave whispered. "But what would people say; -- What would your parents say?"

"Mom would get over it.  Dad ... I really don't care what he'd say.  His goal in life right now is to get me to score with as many women as possible.  I guess he thinks he can live vicariously through my sexual conquests.  It's like some phuck'n form of mental voyeurism.  He's got issues..."

"Sounds tough...", Dave commented.

"Not as tough as keeping up an image that I have any interest in girls.  That bites. "

"Yeah ... I know.  People keep wanting to meet Terri..."

"But there is no Terri ... is there.  I figured that out about 2 weeks ago."

"Fart little smucker, aren't ya...", Dave whispered in a smile.

I hugged him tightly.  "We're gonna have to hook up on & off over the next 6 months or I'm gonna die of loneliness."

I have a friend who owns the White Falls motel in your town.  He always gives me a great rate.  I'll book the next 6 months of Friday nights & Saturdays there - & do some tutoring & scouting for athletic transfers.  Sound like a plan?", Dave suggested.

"Awesome!  And do I need some help in PE!", I quietly chuckled.  "I gotta piss."

"Me too.", Dave added. "Let me show you were I went, so you don't step in it..."

So there we both stood, buck-naked in the moonlight - each w. an arm around the other as we watered a large pine tree's trunk.  We played it down around people the rest of the week - but discovered the joys of sharing the shower after work outs.  Dave did as he had said & since he was my "counselor", I had no trouble hooking up with him on the weekends at the motel.  Nobody had a clue - except maybe the lady doing the laundry!  Man, did we mess up some sheets!

7 months later, I told my parents I wanted to be emancipated.  They were resistant at first, but agreed when I told them I had a boyfriend.  Dad was all piss'n vinegar, but mom - well, she was quiet - but it was her who eventually signed the papers.  I moved in with Dave & got my GED.  I eventually attended a community college & got my degree in PE.  We eventually began to attend a free-church that was Acts 2:38-39 founded and understood what Galatians 3:28 implied.  It filled in the big theological gaps & questions that every other church-group we'd ever fellowshipped with had suffered.  Wow.  NON-denominational if ever the term needed defining!

On his 35th birthday, Dave was killed by a drunk brandishing a gun & hurling arse-phucker-slurs as we walked home past a bar from some friends homes.  He took the bullet that would have hit me and then was in pain and a zillion emergency surgical sessions over the next 5 days before complications took the final toll.  Even though he didn't live long after being shot - but he told me to move on with my life & be happy.  It was crushing to lose my best friend in the world.  Dave was one of the kindest, most thoughtful people you'd ever know.  Even though his faith had rejected him -- he didn't give up on God & it showed in everything he did, & in everything we did.  I know where my Dave is & someday, we're going to be together again in a place that doesn't know the ugliness of prejudice, hate or any other human avarice.  Ironically, we didn't fit in with the gay community, or the mainstream church-world.  We had truly discovered the narrow path that was g0y - years before ever hearing the term. 

A year later, I met Karl.  He was 17 & had been thrown out of his "Christian" home for being "gay".  Karl is a g0y & he is a truly beautiful person.  Helping him, I realized all that Dave must have felt years earlier - helping me.  I moved on with my life as Dave had wanted.  He would have loved Karl very much too....

Adulthood is more about attitude & a willingness to be thoughtful & take responsibility.  It's about forming your own opinions & ideas from a well of wisdom & not so much popular culture or armchair philosophers.  It's often a willingness to live one day at a time & shake off the prejudices called 'common knowledge'.  It's a resolve to say 'no' when it's the right thing to say & then not pimp your ideals for some 'thing'.  It's attitude that says "trust in confidence".

I became an adult at 15 - when I planned to abandon the life I had - for the life I wanted.  My new life kept the important parts of my old & embraced some new things that defined me as my own person & not some projection of some pop culture icon.  Dave finally grew up at 25.  Karl, at 17.  I suppose that some people never will; -- while others merely take more time.  It's an attitude.

- Thanks...