I lurk.

I've been an online lurker since Prodigy hit in the early 90's.  Maybe some of you remember it.  AOL is dominant now, but at the time ... Prodigy was the place to meet.  We discussed everything from Horses to "HoeMoeSexShuals".  The Gay movement was getting on.  A decade earlier, Jerry Falwell had his moral majority convinced that it (gay lib) signaled the end of the world; And my parents were avid subscribers to everything that came out of Lynchburg, VA.'s favorite fundamentalist newsletter.  I was so far in the closet I didn't even know what a "top" or a "bottom" was.  As a matter of fact, I didn't even know that gays had the buttphuck reputation until my sophomore year in HS.  All I knew is that the church was all bent out of shape over it and you better not be one because if you were ... you were going straight to hell ("Do not pass Go; Do not collect $200", - as that 'Christian' scam artist Mike Warnke would have joked).  Having been abused by the whole fundamentalist movement, I can assure you that it has indeed devolved into everything God hates -- & if any event signals the nearing of  "end of the world", it was the rise of fundamentalism.  However, I'm not here to discuss that, but rather events that went on despite the terrible threats of hell & doom shooting from the TV's, churches & playgrounds (connected with this thing called "gay").

My first exposure to a "gay" person (that I was aware of) was in grammar school.  A teacher: A real flaming fag named Benny.  "Benny" was "OUT" in the 70's.  I'm sure it took balls, but I doubt to this day that he had any of his own.  To quote Moon Zappa, this guy was "Lord Gawd BooFoo (Completely gross, you know .... totally...)".  He became the 1st "icon' of what gay men were like in the minds of many a student.  Cringe!  Barf!  Gag me with a wrecking ball...

I was in |EDITED| grade when I discovered how good it felt to be close to some of my male buddies (the fewer clothes the better).  I suspected I might be "gay", but there was NO information available at the time.  I'm serious.  Even the encyclopedias of the time had no definition for "homosexual"!  It was an information vacuum & a horrible time to be a kid in self discovery.  I believed (perhaps correctly) that IF I wanted to LIVE, then I better not tell anybody.  (Things are not much better today in some circles, - & in some ways, they're worse.  Come out today & the BPT immediately wants to educate you into the Butt Phuck mentality.)  I suppose that this is one of the reasons I'm writing.  I want the young guys of today -- especially those in conservative religious circles to know that God knows you're into guys & that there is a message that will work for you & beat the scrutiny of pseudo-Bible scholars in ref to the "gay" clobber passages.  Honestly, - I've never read a theology section as aggressive as that on www.g0ys.org & as well researched.  It goes a lot deeper than the shallow "God loves everybody" message coming out of the likes of MCC.  I say these things because it made such an impact on me & I'm sure that millions of guys around the country (& world) still need to read those wonderful arguments.  The "God Club" is a big threat to use to control people.  When the victims of Lynchburg (even the name of that place is a hint to it's agenda) read the theology on this site, the "God Club" switches hands (with a much firmer grip on the clubbing issues).

My first sexual encounter was with my buddy John.  At the time, I had no idea what I was feeling was "sexual".  All I knew is that he was fun to wrestle with & he'd usually end up sleeping over. We'd both end up in my bed & being wrapped up with him was the best feeling I'd ever had - & it kept getting better & better & better ... until this awesome, frantic intensity filled my groin & gut causing me to writhe uncontrollably in his embrace (& him in mine); -  then the feelings suddenly were "released" (at least for a little while).  An hour later, they came back & we cuddled thru them again -- (& this went on all night long).  At the time, I didn't make the direct connection between my dick & what I was feeling.  The feeling was somehow connected by being snuggled up close with John.  The fact my dick was hard & hopping was a side-effect - in my mind.  When I read someone's post here that being a g0y was about an emotional connection with guys, - not attention to dicks; -- I knew exactly what was being said.  Before I knew a thing about how "orgasm works", or why the dick is involved -- I knew that being cuddled up with my bud -- with as few clothes on as possible caused the most intense feelings to grow until they consumed us (& hey, what's the gooey stuff in my underwear [& his too]?)!   As a g0y, I've never needed to focus on my dick.  It's always known what to do -- well before I knew it was even directly involved.  See, it didn't move my feelings.  My feelings for my bud made it move (& for over a year it was a total mystery to me why my dick wanted to hop around during those intense moments with John).  Remember - it was an information vacuum & we (like any guy worth his pride), weren't asking anyone for the directions! All I knew is that what we had felt very good, & was very private.  I'm not sure who suggested that it might be "sex", but at the time, we both reasoned that it probably wasn't (because we weren't "fags").  I've since discovered that with g0ys, that this early reaction is common.  "Our" relationships seemed to us to be "normal" guy relationships -- just very close, - emotionally bonding ones.  We didn't see ourselves in the same light as the drag-queens in the "gay-pride" videos that religion was always throwing at people when discussing the "abomination of the Sodomites".  At the time, there was a growing set of terrible questions & images raised by religion that turned friend against friend.  If my adult re-reading of the account of "Sodom" is accurate ... then the closest thing we have to the "Sodomites" today are the masses of right-wing bubba-thugs empowered by the likes of John Asscroft & Jerry Falwell.  "Your papers please..."

In 1979/80, the World Book Encyclopedia published it's first article on "HOMOSEXUAL".  I sweat like a roofer while reading it .  It sure seemed to describe me -- but it said that lots of people "grow out of it".  I thought (hoped, prayed) that this would be me.  Now that I'm older & understand what Kinsey discovered ... I know that the phrase "grow out of it" means, "pretend to be no longer affected by it".  See, there's one thing adulthood teaches the child to do effectively: How to LIE to cover his ass.  Rather than lie, - I think the g0ys approach is among the most healthy I've seen: Know yourself, & forget trying to explain it to people who won't pay attention anyhow..

I took up wrestling in high school because I liked the challenge & got to meet a constant stream of hot guys.  I discovered that there were guys doing this who had similar reasons for wrestling.  When I read the G0YDAR section of the website, I realized how true it was -- scoping out the various reactions of different dudes on & off the mat.  Finding guys who'd crotch grind was an art form in itself because no guy worth finding wears a sign that says he's interested in hooking up with other guys (got irony?)!  It was something that I learned to force out of certain dudes by being a friend -- one who really likes to wrestle.  Get a guy wrestling without a cup on to hide his stiffy & learn how to pin him in ways that there's a lot of crotch contact.  Then simply pay attention.  G0YS will arise to the occasion.  I guess I understood how to be tough, tender & totally respectful in the right amounts because I hooked up a lot (like 25-30 guys over 4 years)  when wrestling turned into gentle hugging & massage (usually after being exhausted).  I founds that lots of dudes were insecure with their own feelings so by pretending to ignore what was happening, I'd often end up wrestling a guy until he dumped his nutt with me -- usually first in his shorts, & as our friendship matured over time -- we'd eventually end up inventing an excuse to get naked & then shot.  It was always "explained" as a couple of best friends helping the other to "rub one out".  Not a "gay" thing, but a "guy" thing.  Today I'd say it was a "g0y" thing.  I remember telling a few of my buds -- point blank: "I would never phuck'n disrespect you, dude; & anyone who'd ever hint that you were less than a man is gonna tangle with me.".  The sexual suggestions were always veiled.  The question was never, "Wanna cumm?".  It was, "Wanna wrestle?" - & often, they'd be no question at all ... just a friendly, gradual, mutual physical taunting contest that grew into full blown wrestling involving tickling (getting the other's dudes clothes off).  Then resting from exhaustion -- usually wrapped around each other with the TV on or some pretend distraction.  I never could stand to keep the distractions on.  After you crotch-cuddle gently with the dude for 10 minutes or so -- long enough for the imagination to get good & steamy, I always would kill the lights/tv/etc. - & say I wanted to get a few minutes 'shut eye" (with the other dude wrapped around me).  PhROT (slow, tender & irresistible) would follow -- & usually the climax would consist of each guy dumping his load into his shorts (at least the first few times) & then pretending to be unaware of the occurrence.  Feigned obliviousness.  It's actually a way to build trust.  I've heard the same kind of story so many times now that it's gotta be a g0y thing.  Each guy knows exactly what went on, and not acknowledging it sends the message that the event was so private that it will not be discussed.  It's treated as if it didn't happen (not to deny it to yourself, but to assure the other dude that your privacy will stay absolutely private).  For some reason, fags & females seem unable to understand this form of communication.  Some studies suggest that effeminate men have brain stems that function more like female brains.  And, the two sides of the female brain are better wired for inter-hemispheric communication.  She hears all her thoughts & uses many (many, many [will you just shut up!]) words to relay her feelings.  A male brain, however has less crosstalk & he is able to isolate his thoughts & actually ignore the conversation between the two hemispheres.  And (pay attention): Studies have PROVEN that there are parts of the brain that are unaware of an event taking place unless it is discussed aurally.  If you don't hear about it ... that part of your mind is unaware of the event; - & this part of the brain seems to play a role in gossip.  This is another reason why a g0y often does not verbally acknowledge the roll in the hay he takes regularly with his buds.  Being "verbal' is too much like a "female thing" in such matters.  This is a "guy" thing.  He knows what happened.  He simply doesn't want to speak or hear a commentary.  So with a g0y, language is used to hint at what he wants without coming right out and being direct.  For example, after being with a g0y for a few times & each guy splooging in his shorts, - a g0y might make a "rule" that no clothing is allowed in his bed (because: it leaves sand, & debris).  The real message is: "Get naked...".  The other guy (who a bond has been built with) feigns "compliance" with the "rule" (after all .. a rule is a rule) by getting naked in said bed.  Both g0ys get what they want -- more erotic intimacy -- without anyone "admitting" that they actually wanted to be naked with the other.  As the trust grows over time, the conversation does become more direct because of the strong, invisible emotional bonds have been established where the g0ys absolutely trust the other as the relationship deepens.  Often though, the relationship tends to stay non verbal on certain levels.  The trust shows up in acts like: being closer overall, shared showering, intimate touch, fellatio & a comfort in casually undressing each other.  Like many others have already pointed out: Anal sex never comes into the picture.  Only FAGS do that shit.  Guys don't phuck guys & I've never had an encounter with a g0y where it was even suggested (see if the same rings true in the "gAy" community)!  The "no-anal" understanding is the built into the innate moral compass that most men possess, -- the same compass that the BPT is trying so hard to confound.    If you need a hole, find a willing vagina.  The arse is not a sex organ -- & no amount of drug-clouded thinking will make it into one.

The first time I saw "gAy" porn, it about made me sick.  I'd never seen such a disgusting, emotionally detached "story"<sic> in my life.  Over time, I became aware of a culture that simply phucked & didn't care.  This is the theme of BOTH the "str8" & "gay" sexually liberated lifestyle/s from what I can tell.  I have str8-guy friends who pick up a different chick every weekend -- sometimes several.  Then they brag about the 'wild phuck' & never contact her again.  This is quite common, & just due to the force of numbers, - I'm sure it happens many times more in the "str8" world than the "non-str8"; -- However, I see the same shame in the "gay" community (which seems to get more press in reference to the issue).  And, all you need to do is look at the online dating communities to see the same attitude w. a lot of people.  Personally, I find the attitude emotionally crushing; -- How a bud could hook up with another bud & then care less about the other dude's fate or future.  I cannot imagine building a relationship with a dude & being willing to let it so easily fall into oblivion. Sure ... people move away & lose touch, - but I do not sever the cord, nor have I ever sought out a 1-night-stand.  I don't want an orgasm without a friendship.  I've read enough posts from the gay community to know that there are a lot of good look'n guys with no self esteem because that community often treats them as a pretty-surface with absolutely no consideration for their heart.  That's phuck'n cruel.   When I got out of college & got my own place, my close friends were all given a copy of the key to the front door, which means every guy I'd ever dick-wrestled with (who was still around) got a key.  Therefore, my friends knew that my door was open to them 24/7.  If you're hooking up with guys in such a way as you can't open your life to them -- something is wrong with your attitude.  After all, - if you get a guy naked, vulnerable & spilling seed in your embrace, -- you'd better be willing to be a pillar of support as a friend.  Anything else is an attitude of phuck'n usury & just plain wrong.  I sure hope I'm making some petty fags uncomfortable (shallow, self-centered phucks). 

A few years ago, I got a phone call at 2AM.  It was a guy I hadn't heard from in a while.  He had been visiting an auto show in my state & had been involved in a bad accident.  He was calling me on his cell phone from the emergency room - a 3-hours drive away.  He was at a point in his life where some things had gone badly & he didn't even have medical coverage at the time.  He'd just wrecked his vehicle.   He couldn't stay at the hospital longer than it took for them to treat him for his abrasions & broken hand & foot.  He wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help him.  My response was , "Hell, yeah...".  I drove the the hospital & picked him up.  The guy was self-employed & because his income had just come to a screeching halt, - he couldn't afford his own place & medical treatments too; -- So, his key to my place suddenly became the key to "his" place too.  He took the spare bedroom & over the next 3 months I helped him do everything from shower to shave (He was left handed & that was the hand he shattered).  He needed a few surgeries & we got those arranged & I provided the infrastructure he needed to & from & in recovery.  He had also scheduled for a nursing company to come 3 times a week to change his bandages, but they were rough (& basically callous - in my opinion).  About the time he was in tears from the pain of their "bandage changing technique", I showed Nurse Mangela the door & cancelled their contract.  The next day, I went to my eye doctor & asked him to wholesale me a case of antibacterial saline.  He was a nice guy & gave me 3 cases of the stuff containing clorahexadine which was being replaced with a non-chlorine product anyway.  From that point on, I'd soak my roomie's bandages is saline for a while before removing them.  They'd practically fall right off.  No bleeding & no tears of agony!  The guy got hold of a wheelchair & became good at getting around in it (hot rod).  A few months later, he was pretty well recovered.  He managed to meet some local business people & got some real estate deals going in my city.  Today, he owns about $2 million in real estate within 30 minutes of me all because I opened my door & heart at a time when he really needed a friend.  Who do you suppose was there to help me when I had a business venture fall thru a while back?  Yup! So then, I offer no apology for my philosophy.  G0YS never treat G0YS like garbage.  Love never fails.

	Today, I'm older...   We age every day, but since I became sexual, I've seen 2+ decades of days.  What's nuts is that no dude in his teens ever believes he'll get to a point where he can look back 20+ years. The person within you is timeless, but the body will take you for a ride... eg: I still have my hair but lots of my friends of yesterday are losing theirs!  I've never had an STD.  I've never worn a condom.  Never!  Those 2 factors only work when: You're not a slut You don't buttphuck - ever... You don't do drugs (which tend to turn you into the above) You know your bed-buds (meaning you don't bed disease, sluts or buttphuckers) When you're young, these principles come easy. As time passes, - shit happens.
Some advice: Know what you believe about the deep issues of life based on you're own research.  Those of you who are at the mercy of extremists on the left or the right have really got to think & study for yourselves because the deception caused by false education appearing real has a very real potential to destroy your life.  The theology part of this site will not let you down.  I wish I had known it 20+ years ago.  Not being aware caused many bouts of internal conflict; - & I have friends who gave up on God because they had believed the lie of fundamentalism about same-sex love.  Don't be deceived: Once you try to exclude God from your thinking, you become like a moth -- trying to navigate by using the wrong light.  This, too often, involves a spiral into the fire.  (Remember that you read it here.)
Suggestion for Single 35+ YO's: I usually only hook up with g0ys about my age. However, I have noticed that sometimes, shit happens ;-) I recently hooked up with a guy 15+ years my junior.  He initiated the encounter & we ended up sharing a sofa.  His name was Barry & he came from a broken home.  He was "bi" (many g0ys are).  He had issues ... but one of the primary issues was he'd never known his biological dad.  I developed a lot of compassion listening to his life story.  He stayed with me a few days before I decided to make him an offer.  I told him he could "adopt me" as his "dad" -- as I'd be glad to have him as a son (seeing I have no kids).  This arrangement gives him access to me without being crushed by the relationship.  It also gives me the ability to mentor a young guy with the rewards & headaches that go along with it.  I've already bailed "Barr" out of jail once (it was dumb) & helped him find an apartment of his own - & his now pregnant girlfriend.  He's brought a challenge to my life & rewards I can't place a value on.  What Barry has is someone he can rely on -- who loves him unconditionally.  For the first time in his life, Barr can "call his dad" when the shit hits the fan.  We have a much higher degree of physical intimacy than I'm sure enter into normal father/son relationships & Barr knows this.  However, because it's g0y, -- it resembles closely adult/youth relationships of ancient Greece (built on masculine love with sexuality as only one dimension).  It's mutually loving, consensual & a key bonding force in our relationship. So where is my advice?  Well, I've been reading quite a bit of material on this site.  When I read THIS<link> -- I realized that there are many Barry's out there desperately looking for a paternal-type of love that is cruelly withheld from them by the BPT.  This article really broke my heart & provided a cue that my instincts with Barr were correct.  If you have found yourself in your 30's+ & alone in the world... consider the number of "Barry's" out there looking for love & stability.  This is not a decision to be taken lightly because many of these dudes have baggage.  All their demons will take pot shots accusing your motives & if you're some drama queen without a masculine sense of dealing with the battle these guys are gonna engage you in -- then you'd better pick another project.  G0Y - dads can take a punch to the jaw & think (in the back of their minds) "Good right hook...".  Perfect love casts out fear.  When a friend engages you in battle, it's often an attempt to press out the truth.  From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks & the flailing fists & fiery accusations are often a man's way of pressing out the true heart of his "friend".  Be prepared to get beat up for love.  Be prepared to passionately defend the very "love" who is beating on you!  Know this tactic in advance because it's gonna confront you in any number of forms.  Sometimes you need to conquer someone to prove to them how loved they really are.  Only a defeated king knows the true hearts of those around him; -- & only to such can unconditional love be proven.  There are some "angels with dirty faces" out there that society has discarded.  This g0y isn't content to accept that as their "fate". Are you?   There was once a terrible storm at sea.  In the morning, a man observed a teen walking along the devastated beach -- picking up starfish & throwing them back into the sea before the sun killed them.  The man said to the youth, "There are millions of them on the beach! What difference can you possibly make!".  The youth glared back at the man; - And reaching down picked up another.  Tossing it back into the sea he replied, "It made a difference to that one..."

So, there it is ... My Story... The story of a lurker.  It's not nearly as steamy as some of these here, but it's the way I've gone about figuring some things out.  I'm just a regular guy who has never felt comfortable with the "gay" scene.  I'm sure that I've probably repeated what some have already said (seems like so much of what I've felt for so long has been hit on in one way or another here).  How much is "phobic" & how much is personal taste?  I don't know.  What I do know is that there is a huge number of guys who relate to many of the same feelings; -- & whatever we're "about", I know that we seem to occupy a different niche than covered by the "mainstream", & we've had almost no voice until recently.