Paramour...
"Just shut up;
-- Mind your own business, & give him space to live
his
life...". - My father's words to my mother upon learning from
her that the guest bed had not been slept on the night my best friend, Eric,
moved in.
I still remember those words with tears in my eyes. It was the day that
my father put his foot down on my mother's meddling in affairs she knew nothing
about the substance of. He didn't realize it then, but that was the day that I
found a respect for him that I'd never imagined possible. I think it was
because I'd discovered that he genuinely respected me. It opened up a
level of love & dialog that I've never disclosed until now. I'm not going
to try to tell the whole story because I have no intention of writing a book.
The highlights of my selective memory will have to do.
Dad was a tough, rugged guy who was slow to speak his mind until he knew what
his mind had to say. In many ways, he was one of the least emotional, most
introspective men I'd ever known. He was never comfortable around young
kids. He just didn't know what to do with them.
Dad was all about knowing how things worked. Because he didn't know
much about how kids worked, - he did his best to merge the two worlds. One of my
earliest memories is one of sitting on his knee as he explained the logistics of
"blue-prints" to me. I was 3 at the time & don't recall much about the
lesson other than I shouldn't put my "drink" on them. Yes, I do recall
that part. Because dad always had a computer on, I learned how to read at the
ripe age of 4. No, not Shakespeare (then or now <yeeechhh>), but I spent
enough time watching & listening to dad on the computer that I begin to 'connect
the dots' at a young age. The big words eluded me until I got "hooked on
phonics at age 6 (happy birthday)". So, it shouldn't be a surprise that
learning to weld by age 7 was inevitable. My sister learned when she was
8. Dad used to say that if you treated kids like idiots, then you should
not be disappointed when your expectations were ultimately fulfilled. He
never lowered himself to cooing in "baby talk". 1530 points later on my
SAT, I learned to respect his wisdom in those things too.
"The
wages of sin is death.". - The Preacher Man. Of course, dad
interrupted the Easter service & asked him what that meant - reasoning out loud
that the principle seemed important enough to require some more resolution.
This shocked the congregation, but nothing changed the fact that the answer was
waited for in such silence that you could have heard a pin drop. In
keeping with the stereotype of an empty headed ignoramus with a knack for self
preservation, the preacher man dodged the question by asking my father what
he thought it meant. All heads turned back to my dad.
This was his answer: "The word 'sin' is represented by a single Hebrew letter
which also has a numeric value - not unlike Roman numerals. The concept of
sin is as simple as a misplaced letter - reflected by the belief of Hebrew
scribes that to miscopy even a single letter of the Law of God would destroy the
universe - a terms itself that denotes a single, contiguous word: uni-verse.
(He continued)...As an engineer, I realize the importance of numbers, units &
labels. Transcribing a single letter incorrectly could be the difference
between success & failure; -- literally: life & death. Therefore, the principle of
sin to me is anything shy of absolute perfection of both word & deed, - because
the principle of error tends to kill people. The cost of error is indeed,
deadly. Consider the Titanic & its string of errors: Miscalculations
about the strength of the steel, the temperature of the water, the need for
lifeboats, the folly of 'invincibility' & tendency to speed because of that
folly. Some people teach that "sin" is a moral abstraction -- the
violation of some arbitrary rule made by the whim of God. As an engineer,
I shun such an ignorant view & simply point to what is self-evident. Sin
is any point of error that tends to result is situations that kill people -
whether violations of natural law or physical. Sin does not exist because
of God; -- but exists independently of Him."
I really don't remember any more of the sermon that day. I do recall
several people asking if my day held a degree in theology & if he ever guest
spoke. I don't know if he ever took anyone up on their invitation & I
don't recall dad ever attending that church again. What I do know is that
in a "church" that kept people dependant on the "Man of Gawd" through an
incessant number of "holiness codes", my father's dissertation on the nature of
"sin" was the ultimate demise of the preachar-man. It took 2 years ... but
people talked and as more people became concerned about "real sin" as opposed to
the alleged "sins" of
"hair length & makeup use", the preachar lost his power over the pews. He
's no-doubt gone off to destroy some new group of sheeple & their families.
Dad
had insight into things. He seemed to be able to sort the issues of life &
know which deserved attention & which deserved to be left alone. This brings
me back to the opening quote. See, at 16, my best friend, Eric, had
developed into quite a lady slayer. Except, the way he slay'd them was by
being unavailable. I'd known Eric since I was 12 & I always thought he was
simply shy. He was shy, & he worked out all the time.
Because I was his best friend, I worked out with him. My dad even bought us 300
lbs of free weights & a really nice bench. I was just a little younger than Eric
& certainly didn't understand my feelings. See, we were growing up at a
time where information wasn't as nearly as available as it is today. What
I knew is that I really, really liked what working out was doing to Eric's body
& I wanted the same for myself. He was always encouraging me & never had a
mean word to say. He thought nothing of giving me a pat on the back after
pushing hard through a tough set of reps. And over time, as my body
developed, he touched me more & helped me with my grooming. He showed me
how to crop my bangs so to help prevent zits (the scourge to teenagers
everywhere) & he put the tanning lotion on the areas I couldn't reach. Not
having an older brother, I sort of made Eric my surrogate. As time passed & he
continued to develop, - I enjoyed touching him more & more, -- & seeing him out
of his clothes - although he was modest & never went naked around me back
then. Eric
spent a lot of time at our house because my parents thought he was a good
influence on me. His Midwestern accent & always saying "please", "thanks"
& "welcome" - just reeked of politeness & consideration for others. As
time went by, my mind spent more & more time thinking about him, & I found
myself watching the way he swaggered around -- hoping I looked like that when I
moved. By the time he was 16, it was my heart that was nearing being slayed -- after slowly being swallowed by love for the guy. I guess I
didn't recognize the truth about my feelings for guys because nobody compared
with Eric. In my school, the only other guy who was on par with him in the
looks department was me. I had girls swarming around me all the time -- &
they were nice & all; -- But nobody compared to Eric. He was handsome,
muscular & everybody liked him. And, he included me in everything he
did -- making me feel special. Oh, and Eric was always asking me questions
about our assignments. See, he wanted scholarships & knew I would be
getting a truckload -- so he always studied with me because he said that I had
"a way of explaining things". Everyone spoke of us as a "pair": Eric &
Tory. (In retrospect, we were totally sheltered -
socially.
The
Midwestern town we were growing up in provided little information about
"same-sex" relationships & what little it did have was propaganda so bizarre
that neither of us made the connection between what we felt toward each other,
vs. the oddities people talked about called "queers".) Anyhow, I ended
up visiting my uncle & aunt in the city for the week of spring vacation. I
hated it. All I could think about was how Eric wasn't there. Nothing
I did could take my mind off him. All I could think about was how much of
a good time he'd have if he was here - & because he wasn't, he was missing it;
-- & that made me depressed. So, while the family saw the sights, I
usually sat in my 'guest room', being homesick. It was, in reality, "Eric
sick". What else also had me worried was that Eric's parents were having
marital troubles & his mother had already moved away. His father had their
home for sale & when it sold, he'd be leaving. When I thought about Eric
going away, I'd get a really panicked, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
When we finally headed home, I could hardly wait. 100 miles became 50,
became 30 and then 10. It was late when we passed Eric's house. I
imagined him half dressed, asleep on his bed with his arms & legs uncovered as
that metabolism cranked out the body-heat. It was then I noticed it: The
For Sale sign now said "SOLD". A lump formed in my throat that wouldn't go
down. I felt this horrible sinking feeling inside -- like when something
really bad happens & you try to wrap your mind around the situation but you
can't because it's so bad. That's how I felt.
The next day, I couldn't wait to get to school & see Eric. I guessed
he'd really missed me too because he met me with a big hug. The feeling of
being hugged by him did something to me. My whole body was "high" from
being hugged by Eric. I couldn't get my mind off the memory of being
caught up in his arms. Around lunch, he told me the house had sold to some
city people who wanted to move in right away. They'd paid an extra $500
if the house could be vacant in 1 week. Since Eric's mom had taken most
of the stuff, making the move wouldn't be that hard. I wanted to cry.
I kept pressing back the tears. The bell rang. Everyone went
inside...except me. I walked home through the woods where nobody could see
the emotional devastation that the news brought. It was a few miles home &
I got there at about the time I'd normally be off school. My mother was
oblivious. Dad, on the other hand ... he knew something was waaaay wrong.
He visited my room & I told him the whole thing -- how my best friend in the
whole universe was gonna move away forever. He listened with
insightfulness that encompassed matters I had yet undiscovered. He seemed
moved emotionally at my plight & softly told me about a best friend he had when
he was my age -- 5 years before he met my mom. He said that his friend had
been involved in a military accident & killed shortly after high school, - & it
had sent my dad into a "dark period" where he didn't even care to live.
He'd actually been put in the hospital for his depressed feelings. I had
never known that. At least someone knew & cared how I felt. Then dad said
the words I'd never had believed I'd hear him say: He said that it was OK with him if
Eric wanted to live with us! As much as he was always joking with mom
about not being able to wait until they had the entire house to themselves again
-- he was making an offer to let Eric stay with us too! I was beyond
psyched by the offer.
I
finally got done thanking him & called Eric to let him hear the news. He
was nuts-happy too! The next day after school, we moved Eric's stuff to
our house. He had quite a bit of stuff & the move took several hours
of packing & unpacking.
Only about half his clothes would fit in the guest room closet (his bed room),
so we put the remaining in mine. I joked that I needed some new clothes
anyhow & seeing his selection, I'd no longer be needing to buy my own. He
wrestled me to the bed & proceeded to pin me until I recanted the
clothes-snatching idea. Then he helped me up & gave me a hug. This
time I hugged him back & told him I was so glad he was my "real" brother now.
He kissed my neck & I kissed his in response as we both wiped the tears from our
eyes on the other's shirt-collar. Then he reached into his clothes bag &
pulled out a leather jacket - neatly folded. He handed it to me & said
that his mom had got it for him on his birthday, but he was allergic to
something about it & couldn't wear it for extended periods. He wanted me
to have it -- seeing that I didn't have a leather. I took it. It was
totally beautiful. I began to put my arm into the sleeve, when he stopped
me. Looking around, he gently closed & locked the door. Stepping in
front of me, he gently put his hands on the base of my shirt & began to peel it
over my head. "This jacket looks best on a shirtless dude.", he commented.
I lifted my arms as he completed the removal of my chamois. He took the
jacket & held it out as I put my right arm into the sleeve ... then the left.
I admired it in the mirror & while I wasn't paying attention, he snapped a
picture of me with it on. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart for
the awesome gift. He smiled -- glad that I appreciated it so much.
I took it off & hung it in "our" closet. Then I mentioned that I needed
to shower before hitting the sack. Eric said he needed to also. The
bathroom was jointly shared between our rooms, so Eric went to his room to get
his fresh clothes while I stripped I hopped into the hot stream. A couple
of minutes after I was under the jets, the bathroom door opened & I could head
Eric taking a piss. After he was done, he popped his head in the shower
stall & asked if I wanted company. I told him it was fine by me; -
And then that beautiful naked body stepped in with me. I don't know if I
can explain how much love I had in my heart for Eric. I loved the "whole
package". He was beautiful -- all of him, -- not just his body. I
instinctively put a dallop of shampoo on my palm & began to massage it into his
scalp. I moved the lather over his head & took handfulls & rubbed it onto
his chest & as I reached his armpits, he lifted his arms. He rotated a
half turn around & reached up onto his lathery head for another handful which he
brought down -- I'm sure to do his crotch -- which was appropriate for him to do
as it was a guy's own business down there. I soaped his back up good and
he turned back around as he pressed the lather into other areas that are a guy's
own business. As the water rinsed that gorgeous body down he eventually
opened his eyes & gave me a big smile. He took a half step forward & put
both his arms around me pulling me to him chest to chest. I put both arms
around him. The feeling was heaven. His muscles, that heaving chest
& the warmth of his hug made my insides all weak & happy at the same time.
My erection stood straight up beside his. He kissed my cheek & softly spoke in a
shaky voice, "I love you more than anybody else on earth, bro.". Tears
filled my eyes as I kissed his cheek slowly. I was too choked up to talk.
I just held him in a firm embrace I was never going to let go of. We just
stood there hugging & slowly exchanging kisses about the face & neck as the
water poured over us. Over the next few minutes, I became aware of the
closeness of our feet, knees & very inflated penis's. Our slow caressing &
rubbing was causing our erections to throb against each other & the base of our
balls were pressed so firmly into each other that we hung on every twitch.
Soon, all that mattered was that hungry feeling at our nuts that wanted to
possess the other. So, standing there in an embrace of the most sincere
love with tears & gentle kisses framing the moment, we finally felt those hot
frantic spurts - the pinnacle of masculine love - against our slowly dancing
abdominals as we enjoyed the rapture of a shared orgasm. It was beyond
words; -- & as we exited out of the intensity, we both turned sideways into the
jets & let the water wash our mingled seed over our groins & legs as it mixed
into oblivion. The unfulfilled hunger that I'd felt for Eric finally felt
satiated. I ultimately realized what that feeling to be close had wanted
to accomplish all this time. I loved him in every way possible -- even his body.
I hadn't realized that was possible, but here I was -- with my heart still
pounding beside his.
"I love you too, Eric ... more than anything.". My words caused his
lower lip to quiver & teeth to clench as he unsuccessfully fought back tears.
"More than anything", I repeated softly near his ear. He hugged me much
tighter & his body shook as he cried without using voice. After a few
minutes, we recomposed ourselves. We rinsed under a cooler temperature &
then lovingly dried each other off. I led Eric to my bed & stripping to
our birthday suits, we got in & cuddled each other to sleep.
A few hours later I awoke to the sound of rain outside. I was on my
side with my arms still wrapped around Eric. He was sleeping soundly
taking slow, deep breaths in my gentle embrace. In the dim light of the
room, I took stock of the priceless thing I held in my arms - gently stroking my
right hand over his muscular obliques & down onto his naked thigh. Eric
moaned softly from his sleep as my gentle touch caused his little hairs under my
hand to stand up. I rolled away from him a little bit -- just enough to
create a gap wide enough between our navals for me to slide my right hand into.
His abs were well defined under my fingertips & my slow caress parted the hairs
along his pleasure trail causing the muscles beneath to contract some as he let
out another soft moan from his sleep. I traced my fingertips around his
sleeping cock down onto the large leg muscles that formed his athletic inner
thighs. He moaned some in pleasure in his sleep & reflexively moved his
left leg - bending it some at the knee & causing his body to rotate away some so
that he was slightly flatter on his back This opened more access to his
lower body & I slowly stroked his inner thighs in along the length of his femur
causing waves of goose pimples to grow & then shrink. He moaned softly as
the pleasure of the sensation nudged his sleep enough to make him aware of the
feeling. He bent his left knee at about 90 degrees causing his body to
level some more on the bed. The position change moved his lower leg into
my reach & I began to stroke down onto his large calf. I slowly proceeded
with my fingertips down onto his bare foot where I moved very slowly & lightly
along the bottom & sides of his tender sole. Eric groaned lightly in
intense pleasure as his toes weakly spread & opened slightly back toward his
shin exposing the tender undersides & inviting my slow caresses up into the
widened gap. Tracing a single finger up along the ridge beneath his spread
toes caused another soft moan to exit his sleep as his reflex now pulled his
toes down into a loose curl as his ankle straightened & his leg extended back
down toward the foot of the bed. Gently, I stroked his leg as it descended
& then continuing upward, I reached his muscular thighs where I lightly stroked
along the large muscles & the creases where tendons joined bone. I slid
down some & bent at my waist so that I could gently kiss & lick along Eric's
muscular tummy. Just a few inches below his naval, his flaccid 4"
circumcised penis rested between his large, fuzzy nuts - pointing straight down.
His whole body was so beautiful I could barely contain the passion I had inside
for him as he lay there naked beside me. Slowly & gently, I moved the tip
of my warm tongue down his pleasure trail & along the soft length of his relaxed
penis. When I neared the tip, I gently began to lick along the lip of his glans
& then back & forth along the shaft from head to base. Over the next few
minutes, I watched the length & girth grow until it lifted off his nuts &
slowly swung around pointing toward his naval. My pulse pounded in my ears
as the sight caused my own to inflate. I continued to use my wet tongue to
gently lick along the underside of his shaft (now exposed). Gradually, it
grew from 6" to 7", then 8 as it grew in girth & hardened into a near 10" pole.
Eric's breathing was faster & the slow caresses of my tongue now caused his
erection to intermittently stiffen in waves that caused Eric's fingers & toes to
spasm & curl slightly. He was beginning to moan softly with almost every
breath he took as the little throbs & pulses along his shaft grew in number &
frequency. Gently, I lifted his stiff cock at the base with my right hand;
- & as the tip of the shaft was in the air, I wet my lips & slowly slid my mouth
around his throbbing tool as I used the motion of my tongue to stroke the ridge
at the base of the head along the frenulum. My painstakingly slow
movements were gradually milking Eric's erection toward his nutt as the shaft
stiffened & hopped within the warmness of my mouth. Despite the fact he
was hard, I was amazed that the hardness continued to increase & the size
reached it's peak as his whimpers turned into more urgent groans from his sleep.
Over the next minute as I slowly slathered the length with gentle licks, saliva
& gentle suction, the canal within the length of his shaft began to twitch &
every time it did, Eric's sleep would be punctuated with a little gasp of
urgency. I slowed my mouth motions to a crawl as the length of his cock
twitched & pulsed in anticipation of every slow move my lips & tongue made.
Finally there was a little groan that crept from Eric's mouth which turned into
a soft, sustained moan as his dick head suddenly got bigger & his back arched
some. By instinct, I increased the negative pressure in my mouth as hard
pulses propelled his hot seed into my watering maw in powerful gushes that I
encouraged with light suction & the friction of my tongue.
Now, I didn't
fantasize about swallowing any guy's seed & I've never even
tasted my own. (I simply don't find the generic concept that erotic.)
However, there was something about the fact this was pumped out of Eric.
I felt totally in love with his body; & if his beautiful body produced
something so male --
so sexy, - I felt no revulsion in accepting it just as if I was accepting him. In my mind, the process of becoming
at one with my bud made accepting his masculine essence a completely
acceptable part of that process; -- Because it was Eric - & I loved
him! Experiencing his
climax pushed me into mine & I ended up shooting my runny nutt all over his
right leg. In retrospect, if Eric hadn't been totally "clean", swallowing his
nutt could have had serious consequences. I think that knowing him for as
long as I had led me to know down deep that he was disease free.
I kept his manhood in my mouth until he stopped throbbing & began to soften. Slowly, I slid
back up beside him & wrapped my arms around him pulling him into my embrace.
His arms came around me too & he whispered, "I've never had anyone do something
to me that felt so good. I love you Bro...My turn to luv on you next
time..." I just cuddled into him & soaked up the feel of that beautiful body
wrapped up with me.
Getting up the next morning was a real task for several reasons. First,
I didn't want to get out of Eric's closeness; -- & secondly - I was still really
tired. We ended up being late to school by 30 minutes. By the end of
the day, most of our friends knew that Eric was living with me. Lots of
people seemed glad that he wasn't moving away. Upon getting home that
evening after the game, -- I overheard the conversation this story was opened
with. Mom never did raise the issue to me but for a long time, I
could tell by her expression that she had "concerns". Dad didn't change a
bit & it wasn't unusual for him to wrap an arm around each of us when talking
to us.
It became obvious that dad knew how much we loved each other & he never raised
it as an issue. Eric & I, in return were physically subdued when we were in
out socially.
We were always close, but mindful of what regular folks (especially those who
had been disciples of the preachar) might think if we got too cuddly in public.
However, I do want to point out the following: Eric & I were well
respected in school. We were always down to earth in the way we behaved
towards people. We had no qualms about touching each other or leaning against
each other when in a huddle or even relaxing. For a long time, people
accepted the fact that we were best friends closer than brothers, & our
disarming attitude about friendship began to spread. Certain guys began to
pair off over time & relax into the idea of being close to each other.
Most of us were athletes & had developed friendships over several years.
The fact that Eric & I had no qualms about leaning on each other or sitting
close on long bus rides to & from away games began to spread to other guys.
It's because it simply looked natural ... right. For some reason, for the
remaining year and our senior year as well -- nobody ever raised a moral
objection about the fact that several of the guys had close, open pair-bonds.
In light of the extreme homophobia of today, our openness back in our school
days always seemed a mystery to me until I found this website.
Let me explain what I think the difference was:
We didn't fit the "gay" stereotype. The buds who were pairing up with
each other were well mannered, self controlled & all acted like "guys".
What do I mean? I'm not sure if I can describe it fully, but I'll try:
You might walk by a bench & they'd be a couple of guys sitting on it --
sometimes with an arm around each other or their arms on top of each other's.
It was always very casual -- not like "foreplay"; -- Just a couple of guys
who were totally relaxed with each other's presence. On long bus trips, it
was not unusual for some guys to lean up against their buds to sleep or even be
crashed out laying across a guy's lap or resting at an angle in another dude's
arms. Eric & I set the tone; -- & a lot of guys learned to accept that
it's OK to be close to other guys. If you weren't with a chick, it was ok
to be "with your buddy". People simply accepted the image of a couple of
close friends being gentle with each other. There were a lot of us --
probably 25% of the guys would have no qualms about being tender on other dudes.
Were other dudes splooging with their buds? I have no doubt that they were
& I have no doubt that these relationships were extremely discrete & respectful
(Conversely: "Gay" was a slur for buttphuckers; -- for guys with their
feet in the air - & for people who were sexually "dirty" - lewd & same-sex
filth.). Being gentle & self controlled was a way for the guys on the
team (who had male friends they were tender on) to enjoy a casual closeness &
openness that I have yet to see in public schools since my Jr. & Sr. years.
It was a dangerous thing to call a guy a "fag" on a bus full of athletes with
8-10 of them in casual pair bonds. In that context, "Fag" had better mean
something worse than simply being with another guy or the one calling names may
find himself beat up by a group of guys who didn't take kindly to being
implicated with arse-phuckers. Near the end of my Sr. year, 2 things
happened that has convinced me (in the now) that this website has indeed, identified the real problem
with "gay" today.
- Government funded sex-ed hit the classroom the 3rd trimester.
Overnight, ALL "same-sex-intimacy" was taught as being
closely related to "butt-phucking". The message this unholy
merger implied that a couple of dudes who were "together" were butt-pounding
too. You can see what this loudly declared lie would do to buds who were
naturally tender on other dudes. Can you say "Shame & Fear"?
- Exodus International, the infamous & now completely discredited "ex-gay"
organization had several rallies in our town & those nearby, -- linking same
sex affection with hell-fire & AIDS. Once again, the lie was guys who
are tender on guys, - buttphuck (& spread diseases).
In a matter of a couple of months, I watched attitudes change. Guys who
would have earlier had no trouble sitting with their arm around another guy,
began to sit at a distance. "Fag" became the epithet used to
assault ALL same-sex affection, & imply that same-sex-tenderness was synonymous
with butt-phucking. In a matter 12 weeks, educated idiots & religious
zealots had introduced a paranoid stigma so severe that the entire relaxed
atmosphere that had been part of our traditional male/male bonding -- was cast
onto a bed of disgust & accusation. "Gay tolerance" became equal with
"Butt-Phucker tolerance". Same sex unions became a celebration of butt-phucking.
Mainline churches condemned ALL same sex "intimacy" while the more "liberal"
accepted the butt-phuck message. Those of us who made a distinction found
solace in neither (how's that for a narrow path)! Finally, people who have
had their world view shaped by the government, press or rabid-religion - have,
for the most part, accepted the lying message without even wondering if there
was a proverbial box to "think outside of"! Eric & I have waited over 20
years for this website! Finally, there is a name for what we are - that
keeps the promiscuous & the butt-phuckers out! GY,
is the proverbial "refined silver", - without the slag!
And it's long overdue...