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Most people who find out I'm into guys are blown away. I've always been into guys since I can remember being into anyone. I've never had any attraction for women. At 12-13, girls began to get friendly to me. I always had girl-friends -- but never a "girlfriend". Man, did I see some catfights between those who knew they could "have me" if it wasn't for the other "bitch"...

Through school, I kept my sexuality to myself - but discovered that lots of guys were dealing with the same issues. I've read some of the stories here & laughed at how familiar some of it sounded. The worst part was that in my town, -- guys were so afraid of the 'gay' label that I didn't have any relationships that lasted or seemed like regular boy-boy relationships. I guess I found out because I was that "cute-tough" guy with a cocky attitude. Guys liked it. They liked me. Some really liked me. Some of them were really cute & I'd find ways to get 'em alone.

It was always just a "guy" thing - never suggested it was "gay". But, I always knew that was in the back of the social fabric that guys build their ego's out of. I must have told them all at some point (usually just minutes after pumping their warm-wad onto our kissing abs), "Dude, you're no fag". They just didn't seem "gay"... Neither did I. Yeah, my school was one of the "enlightened" ones & a few guys were "out" as "gay", but they DID seem "gay".

My freshman year in collage, I joined a 'gay' club. There were a few guys like me & a lot of fags too. I mean, queens, fems & guys with issues way beyond mere sexuality. I joined the group because I wanted a relationship with some more depth than I'd had in the past. I knew I was on the wrong road when I went to a party & someone must have slipped something in my drink. I woke up the next day - face down in the back yard with my pants down; -- Sore arse & all. There were 2 discarded condoms nearby. Dumb phuckers.

I reported it to the police. The initial response was, "What do you expect?". Despite the obvious ignorance & disregard for the law, these donut-deputies couldn't imagine a 'fag' who wasn't into 'boofing' (butt-phucking). I had to get a lawyer to report the incident. He said: "14th Amendment & Obstruction" & a few other terms that lit the fires of justice under the cops arses. Meanwhile, I was doing some investigating of my own. Seems there were witnesses to the event. The cops interviewed 2 guys. They didn't want to volunteer any information - so the cop said "Accessory to & Obstruction" & their lawyers suggested they cooperate.

I want to note that once this kind of thing happens to you - the tone changes. People treat you differently & most lose a degree of respect for you. At parties - you'll catch people staring & whispering. Why? Because people brag about what they've done.

The criminal investigation went dead. Everything was circumstantial ... nobody actually witnesses the "act". The genetics screen did link the 2 condoms to 2 guys: See, there's no law about jack'n inside a condom - as was the story of these 2 guys. I'll refer to them as:

9 weeks later, I tested HIV+. That'll make ya cranky. I found out that there had been a 3rd guy who been bragg'n about boof'n with the other 2. He hadn't used a rubber. I'll refer to him as:

To think my life was over at that point was about all I could imagine. Sure, I had no symptoms -- but man, - do I have prescriptions. Treated now, they say I'll "linger" for years - maybe in good health. Alone, diseased & recently violated. Words that end with "...cidal" come to mind. Now, I'd met some decent guys in the 'gay' scene - but I was having some problems at this point playing "I'm OK, You're OK" with leather-daddies & drag queens batting their eyelashes & leashes at me.. The Prozac wasn't helping too much either (Although it had helped with my mental clarity in ref to resolving my inner turmoils about the 3 guys who'd violated me. I call that: The Prozac Plan.)

I changed where I was hanging out -- but the scene stayed the same except for the feces, - eh; ... I mean: faces. Then I met this guy online after I read his personal ad. Something about it suddenly made a huge amount of sense:

Deep inside, you deal with strong feelings of real warmth + genuine affection for other guys too. You've seen the media's take on the "gay" community; & not only do you N0T relate to that image, but you find some of the practices repulsive to your basic value system. The truth is, you're a guy who really loves masculinity & appreciates those traits in other men, while simultaneously finding actions that effeminize masculine men to be grossly distasteful. After all, you have no desire to put anything up the other guy's arse, but the fact remains that you'd majorly enjoy cuddling up with the dude; - slow nuzzling on him & seeing where it leads. You're into masculine guys but you're not feel'n "gay" -- at least not like the media portrays "gay" as being all about! You don't care about any media programming with the word "Queer" in it; nor do you relate to men who prance about with the same mannerisms as the guys in the movie: Bird Cage. If this is you, contact me. Sounds like we could be good friends!

I fired off an e-mail with a pic. He replied & we struck up a dialog. We both have broadband & a camera, so we began to teleconference. His name is Craig & he's 5 years older than me. He is a guy that people say, "just doesn't seem 'gay'". Craig & I became friends & about 3 months later, I told him that I was pos. He was shocked & upset. I asked him why he was so bothered by it & he said that he'd really been falling for me & was hurt'n that I might not be around in the future. I thought he was gonna lay some krap on me about being positive being a personality defect or something. His response got under my skin; - like I realized that the guy was real & genuinely cared about me. I really liked him too & the age difference was not a big deal. I actually liked what a few years had done to his body (he works out too).

He suggested we get together for a weekend, so we planned the weekend of my birthday (because his is 2 days after mine). I flew out to his state & stayed at his place. He met me at the airport & then took me around town. We ate at a great Chinese place & then went on a drive in the countryside where he showed me the night sky without all that ambient city lighting. It was amazing. I saw the northern lights for the first time with him. I guess I enjoyed that the best - because he brought a large sleeping bag with him & we spread it out all the way on a grassy hill & just sat on it & talked while looking at the stars. People in the city don't know what they're missing without a black night sky to look at.

It had been bothering me all day - in the back of my mind, so I asked Craig if he was uncomfortable with me being HIV+. He told me he had a problem with "it", not me. Then he slid his left arm around me & pulled me closer. He turned some & wrapped both legs around mine as he slid the other arm around me. I could feel his warm breath on my neck as he slowly planted a warm kiss right below my right ear. He continued..."My problem isn't that you have 'it' ... as much as 'it' has you...". He hugged me tighter. "I really don't want you to leave...". I didn't want to either. He was quiet for a minute or so. "Make love & think it over?", he whispered. I groaned in the affirmative & leaned into him.

His fingers slid to the base of my shirt, - under the seam & then over my head as I held my arms up.. With a half hug of pressure, his arms went back around my chest & then down - where he undid my belt as if he'd taken it off in the dark 1000 times. I lifted my butt some as he slid my khakis off - catching my boat shoes & socks in the same motion. His motions were strong, thoughtful & gentle. Leaning back, he stripped his shirt off & then I heard metal against metal as he unbuckled his belt. Strongly, smoothly, he sat up & slid his pants & off - after taking a moment to kick his shoes off first. I reached down after & with a thumb under each seam, I removed his athletic socks.

He produced a small can from his pants pocket & handed it to me. "Put a coat of this from my belly to balls, bro...", he asked. I took the little can & with the press of a button, out came a aerosolized ball of foam. Craig laid back as I slowly worked it into his hard tummy muscles & then lower. His cock was beautiful at around 7" & thick too. As I coated his hard on, he groaned some.

"It's called 'ShieldClear'. It makes a second barrier of protection that you can't even feel after about 5 minutes - when the waterbase evaporates. I would have put some on hours ago, but that would have been presumptuous...", he smiled & winked.

"Nah....skin by itself is a great barrier - but an extra layer never hurt. Not only that, - but when you get sweating, it keeps things from getting tacky down there."

"In that case...", I commented, - & then put a gob on my own hard tool & stroked it in a few times.

"Hey ... I was kinda looking forward to doing that...", Craig objected with a grin. I finished applying the stuff & Craig pulled me to him face to face & balls to balls as he laid back - pulling half of the sleeping bag over us.

His strong hug & gentle kisses & nibbles slowly pushed me along. Occasionally, I feel a hard stiffening as his cock expressed it's growing appreciation. Mine answered back in kind. He wasn't interested in a quickie. Several times he gently commented that going slowly gives ya the best ride. Our hands explored each other slowly - feeling every hair & pore. We rubbed cheeks & shadow so passionately that I never wanted to feel a completely smooth face again. The stars ... the smells & the sex... There was no way I was going back....

Craig began to groan more often & now he was gasping a little when his cock would throb. I was there...right with him - moving to the edge of the experience. As I felt his body get harder in my hug & his back begin to stiffen, - the strong hardening of his cock beside mine pushed me over into never-land as that electric fullness in my nuts moved to my cock causing me to whimper & stiffen in his hug. Like two machines in sync, our dicks began to spill & shoot our spunk into a warm puddle of messy luv on Craig's abs; - & as I breathed deeply - my abs were getting coated in our warm man seed too. Cumming with Craig was an awesome experience & when we begin to recover from the intenseness of the peak, we just sank into each other's hug.

I flew back home - with Craig - who helped me pack my stuff & drive across the country to his place. We're building a life together & the bond we share is second to none I've ever known. This thing called "g0y" is what I was all along. I simply never had a word for the way I felt. I've met quite a few g0ys in the gay community - guys who were lots like me in how they wanted their relationships. I've sent this website link to everyone I could think of.

Unfortunately, as I discovered -- there are a lot of guys who are arse-sluts there as well; ... Guys who care nothing about anyone except them & getting the rocks off at the expense of anybody else's health or safety. I've heard some men try to defend that community by saying that it was only 15-20 % phreaks by composition. Somebody else gave the proper response & I'll repeat it: In what other culture is 15-20% of phreaks, weirdo's & criminals, - tolerated? What other sane segment of society wants to have anything to do with such an offensive mix of self-centered, disease-spreading, human waste? There are a few elements of the so-called 'gay community' that are an affront of everything most people hold dear & decent. And for some reason, the community as a whole feels a need to embrace such rudeness! How sane is that?! Should society as a whole give license to such a group? Not in my opinion! I found out too late that such a crowd - cumulatively - has nothing but evil plans for your wellbeing. What guy in his right mind would want to be part of a group like that? What guy in his right mind, wouldn't want to be g0y instead?