Pris0n
G0Y...
I was 19 & ended up in the pen for armed robbery during the late 1970's.
You've heard that expression, "Bad company corrupts good character."?
Well, I'm living proof. Hang with the "bad crowd" long enough & eventually
you'll constitute the bad crowd. Of course, there's also the saying that
the "friend of a wise man will become wise". Maybe I'm living proof of
that too. Time will make the final determination.
What I wanted to say, follows & is based on my experiences that happened in
real life. For 30+ years, I've been trying to figure out what I
experienced & how to put it into words. Before this website, I lacked the
vocabulary to describe my experience: G0Y. I'll try to be brief and keep to the
main points ... but my mind tends to wander...
A wandering mind. This is what got me into trouble in the first place.
Bad company ranked right up there too. See, it was late & I felt like a
beer. A friend of mine who was visiting (who had a drug problem that I was
unaware of at the time) suggested that we buy at a nearby discount liquor store.
"Nearby" turned out to be 13 blocks away in a bad part of town. He went
inside & I waited in the car. After waiting about 15 minutes, I had become
impatient & parked the car to see what was going on. Upon entering the
store, my "friend" was on the floor with the store owner pointing a gun at him
-- just then, a barrage of police cars pulled up -- sirens blaring. In short,
my "friend" cut a "deal" with the DA & named me as the "mastermind" behind the
robbery he had attempted & been stopped cold in. The experience was a
nightmare -- from a lying witness (him), overzealous prosecutor's office & 12 of the
stupidest jurors to ever sit on a case. The public pretenders, eh,
DEFenders office was totally useless - with my "council"
spending less than 60 minutes looking over the facts of the case & then
suggesting a "plea". Let me
tell you: Prisons are full of poor people who's only crime was being in the
wrong place at the wrong time. Those in the system who railroad these
people into jails are the REAL criminals.
Anyhow, there I was: 19 & a good looking guy in a mid security facility in
the State of |EDITED|. From the moment of my initial clothing issue
& delousing, I was being bargained for -- starting with guards who ran
everything from drugs to pussy-boys between the inmates & the outside. The
level of criminal activity on the INSIDE is staggering, & there I was ...
innocent of anything other than having a louse for a friend whose plea had
landed him less time than me!
I knew there was going to be trouble the 1st day as men cat-called me & blew
kisses as I walked down the corridors under escort to my cell. I'd never
argue that some of these guys deserved to be in cages & every time they opened
their mouths you knew they had landed where they belonged. But then there
were others -- men who, for whatever reason, had ended up in a system that very
often produces the very social slime it purports to "reform". If you saw
Tom Selleck in that movie "An Innocent Man", -- trust me when I tell you
that parts of that movie are lived out in real life every day by men in
so-called "Correctional Facilities". Now that most of them are privatized,
the potential for abuse has skyrocketed & your local politician is often on the
take. Anyone pushing "3-strikes" legislation is either ignorant of the
Constitution or on the take from some private "Wackenhut" that needs more
inmates so it can bill out more fees. The US now incarcerates a larger
percentage of it's population than any other country on the planet! The
whole thing outrages me, but many people are now catching onto the scams
involving prisons. Oh, my cell was on the far end of the block. It
had 2 beds, but the other occupant was not there. The guard said
"infirmary".
There I was, a good looking guy, only 5' 7" tall with a moderately muscular
build & a baby face that got me 2nd looks all the time on the outside. I
had a perpetual knot in my stomach every time I was in the public areas for
anything -- especially the showers. It seemed that nobody wanted to be a
friend except guys who made it obvious that they wanted more than casual
associations.
By the 3rd day, I was a "pretty boy loner" & in that kind of
system, I may have well as put a sign on my butt saying "rape me". I could feel
the eyes on me & more guys would "accidentally" violate my privacy space (about
a 6" zone around a guy understood in prisons to be very personal space) daily.
Each violation was a push to see how I'd tolerate my boundaries being breached.
Over time, the breaches escalate until one day you lash out & get yourself into
trouble with authority for being an "instigator", or your boundaries get
violated completely & you find yourself punked out as somebody's bottom bitch.
The system is insane & evil to the core. On the 4th day, I met my cellmate.
He was 6' 2", good looking and 28 years old. He was "off-white", but very
muscular with a fine scar that ran the length of his right cheek from temple to
chin. He also had a broader scar under his hairline that ran the length
above his left ear. He called himself "HAMMER" & seemed to be personable
enough. He'd been in the joint for 3 years on a manslaughter rap -- drunk
driving. Only problem was, he wasn't the driver, -- just a passenger.
He'd been drunk alright; -- & when the car rolled after the collision, the scar
on his left scalp had been caused as his head hit the stickshift causing a
concussion & deep cut. He'd been seatbelted & the prosecutors alleged he'd
switched seats & self inflicted the injury prior to emergency personnel
transporting him in an unconscious condition to the hospital. Wonderful
legal system, eh? Maybe the jury was composed of Madd Mothers? I
dunno -- but the scar on his LEFT seemed to speak volumes about 'reasonable
doubt'. HAMMER took anti seizure medication as a result of the
injury -- the one the state says he'd "self inflicted" with a gear shift.
Turns out HAMMER had been in the infirmary for the last 4 days because
someone swapped his meds out with sugar (emptied the capsules & refilled them
with sugar) & he seized going down a flight of stairs. HAMMER's condition
was interesting. Without meds, he'd have seizures if the lighting changed
too rapidly or if he had to navigate obstacles like stairs that involved certain
visual shapes & the feeling of moving up or down. Elevator rides also made
him seize without his meds. Nobody else knew about his condition except
some guards, the warden & medical staff. Whoever had swapped his meds must
have thought they were pain pills. He warned me that he often petite
mall'd when going to sleep & it was his condition that allowed the light in the
cell to go completely off at night. All other cells had lights that dimmed
to 25%, but that level with his sleeping REM's could cause him to seize -- so
our cell went completely dark.
I told him my story & mentioned the fact that "everyone in the place was
innocent" so I'd understand if he didn't believe me. He said he did.
Anyone naive enough to stay a loner in that place after 4 days certainly didn't
have the street-smarts to plan a robbery. I didn't know whether to feel
offended or relieved that he believed me. The longer I talked to the guy,
the more I liked him. I was glad he told me about his meds, but I couldn't
bring myself to tell him about my weakness, -- what I thought was a
"problem". I was into guys sexually, but had been raised in such a
conservative part of town that I had never acted on it. I certainly had no
desire to give or take "it" up the arse. I found the entire prison mode of
"punk-sex" thinking to be totally contrary to my core values -- even though I
found men attractive.
HAMMER's mannerism set me at ease about protecting my ASSets,
& the guy even had a thing for pro wrestling which struck me as kinda juvenile
-- even likeable in an innocent kind of way. We ended up talking late &
when the lights went out, Hammer threw a blanket over our heads so that we could
talk without the whispers being heard. He was a nice guy who'd been
slightly hardened by life in an insane, evil place. We both agreed to watch each
other's back.
The next day at breakfast, a rugged guy about 6' tall walked over from another table
& asked me if he could borrow my spoon, but before letting me answer -- he just
took it. HAMMER got this 'look' on his face; -- casually got up & went over
to the table the guy had come from -- but he didn't talk to that guy.
Instead, he was talking to an older guy -- about 60ish I guess. He gave
the older guy something (maybe a pack of cigs -- I never did find out) & the guy
who had taken my spoon returned it to HAMMER. HAMMER returned & gave me my
spoon. He told me that he hoped that I never found out what had just gone
on. I gave him a grim nod. I never did find out what had happened,
except from that day, nobody breached my personal space. NOBODY ever
messed with HAMMER either. Rumor had it that he had found the guy who took
his "pain pills" & showed him the stairs by way of flight.
In the rec area that day, HAMMER introduced me to the barbells & bench.
There were a few other guys working out that seemed to give HAMMER a wide girth
to work in. In the showers afterward, nobody gave me a look or
made a crude noise. I became the privileged recipient of the respect
this guy seemed to have from others. At the time, I had no idea why.
The 3rd night HAMMER had been back, we stayed up talking as usual.
After lights out, I was in bed when I could hear some strange noises coming from
HAMMER's bed. Since it was dark, I got out of mine & went to his where I
could hear the blankets shift spastically as his arms & legs flinched. I
sat; -- reached over & found his right hand - taking it in mine. His
fingers were spastic & his arm seemed to have a mind of it's own. I
figured that this must be one of the petite mall seizures he had mentioned.
I sat there, holding his hand & waiting for it to pass. It did & his breathing
-- which had become quite fast, slowed to a normal pace. I sat there for
at least half an hour with his hand in mine -- listening to him breathe.
Occasionally, I'd give his hand a gentle squeeze. After a long time, I
decided to get up & go to my bed. I let go of HAMMER's hand & begin to get
up, when I heard him softly whisper, "Stay...". I could hear the covers
roll back off him some as he pushed them back. "Please..." was the next
thing he whispered.
I could feel his underwear on the floor at my feet & the invitation from a
guy this tough & good looking in such a place - probably wouldn't ever come my way
again. I hesitated & then slid my underwear off & crawled in beside him.
To say I had a gazillion thoughts going through my head would have been an
understatement.
HAMMER gently wrapped his arms around my upper body pulling me
into him face to face. His hands lightly explored my back, & neck as he
rolled so I was face down on top of him. The feel of his skin beneath me &
the sound of his breathing added to his mild soapy man scent was intoxicating.
He hugged me firmly & slowly slid his horsecock against mine until I was slow
squirming like a cat in heat on top of him - & we both splooged, together.
It was the most intense feeling I'd ever had in my life -- the way I'd always
imagined I'd like to be with another guy. The guards who walked by the
cell on patrol expected it to be dark & didn't shine their lights in, - so
in a place where privacy was a rarity, we would have it every night.
HAMMER & I just cuddled for a long time. Eventually, he began to nod off
and as he did, his seizure came back -- but I gently restrained him & kept his
arms & legs from hitting the bed frame or wall until the seizure passed.
He had my back -- & I had his.
The next day, I knew I was in love. It all suddenly felt so right.
Not prison, but the strange fate that brought me together with this guy ... this
guy with a tremendous strength & a debilitating weakness that he carefully kept concealed.
He needed someone like me who he could trust with his head in my lap, -- & I
needed someone like him who had a stand-up reputation. HAMMER seemed in
good spirits w. a freindly smile as he woke up with my right hand stroking his head of dark
hair. Man, he was good look'n. It was still quite dark so we just
slow rubbed on each other until we emptied our balls again. Then I got up
into my own bed before the prison awoke.
That day, another prisoner slipped HAMMER a small package. It was a
tattoo kit. Hammer asked me to take a tattoo just inside my collar. He
drew the design & then applied the ink. He went carefully, but it still
hurt some. I kept it covered for a couple of weeks & the final design was
a 2" Thor's Hammer. Well done, too. He had the same tattoo -
right below his naval -- below his brief line. I began to figure out what
the tattoo meant. It was his mark. It told other inmates that I "was
HAMMER's". I could have been offended, but this guy was different.
This guy had a heart in a place that was heartless. This guy had
everything I'd ever wanted in another guy -- including a real need for me.
The initial attraction I'd had when I'd met him had quickly grown to a bonded
love that probably didn't often happen in places like we were in. This guy
didn't do arses & didn't treat me "like a punk". Our friendship & love was
mutual, - equal; -- & in a place where inequality & making others submit was the
ultimate "show", HAMMER's approach was alien. People didn't seem to know
how to classify him, & they didn't mess with him.
When you're in love, you can be just about anywhere & be content as long as
you have love there with you. When you look forward to getting back to the
'cell' so you can be with your significant other, prison loses it's sting.
Here's the irony: The 'sodomites' punking out guys deprive themselves of the
love & intimacy that is possible in such a place because of their need to
subjugate others - turns people into objects that fear them. Love is never
built on fear ... but on mutual respect & trust. Hammer & I went out of
our way to make friends with younger & smaller guys just so they wouldn't get
punked -- but the stream is endless & the system can't seem to regulate itself.
The ultimate law of the land, the US Constitution forbids cruel & unusual
punishment -- but the system routinely sentences men who have committed minor
offenses to institutions that will destroy them (& everyone knows it). If
the judge sentenced a guy to be raped several times a week over the next 5
years, the public outcry would be deafening ... yet in these institutions, a
sentence of any length is often a sentence to be raped repeatedly. The
Supreme court should be called to account to rule on the issue. If a
prison can't be controlled so that prisoners are generally safe during their
sentence, then the prison should be shut down.
HAMMER was never too verbal. I had to work to pry stuff out of him.
One thing that I learned soon after beginning to 'pry' was that HAMMER had been
raised in a religious home (OK, his mom was into the church thing while dad
observed the Sabbath for drinking). For a guy who didn't know
too much book stuff, he explained things to me that he'd heard in Sunday school
when he was a kid -- stories about guys who were motivated by justice -- guys
who were regular Joe's who often ended up being called by God Himself to
accomplish a task (usually share a message, but sometimes for the most
unorthodox military strategies) because the guys who should have been doing
those things were shirking in their responsibilities. At the same time, I
was in the Law library studying for an appeal. What Hammer didn't realize
is that many of the "Bible stories" he summarized to me were parallels of the
mindset behind the writing of the Law. Some of the brilliance condensed
into such religious accounts will impact a person & I discovered that the more I
learned in other areas, the more sense HAMMER's stories made on a level that was
brilliant -- to be conservative. See, I'd never understood one religion
from another. Even an elective I took in my high school called "Study of
Religions" never dug into any detail. To me, Judaism, Hinduism, Shamanism,
Rastafarianism & Allahisms were all the same type of mystical gibberish. I
had been studying legal theory in the prison for about 6 months when I finally
opened up a Bible for myself. I think it would be impossible for me to
explain the absolute brilliance of that Book in the matter of Law to anyone who
has not studied Law. What Moses wrote, was beyond brilliant. Then,
as I read -- to see what Judaism had been, & then deteriorated into over a few
generations paralleled so perfectly what the founders of the US Constitution had
established & what a few generations of greed & ignorance on the part of the
populace had caused the nation to degrade into. Today, politicians take an
oath to uphold the Constitution -- but many are ignorant (or antagonistic) of
the very document the swear an oath to uphold. Isaiah said that God had
observed that: "These people honor me with their lips but their hearts are far
from me.". Later in the Book, the account of Yeshua the Messiah explains
in painstaking detail the transition from a corrupted Israel to a new thing
where the Law Moses had given was perfected within men who surrendered to
the resurrected Messiah as the ultimate authority (I'd say "Lord" or
"King", but most people today don't understand the legal implications behind
those terms). As I learned, I shared this stuff with HAMMER & the amazing
thing was that he understood it & I was able to fill in logical gaps that his
imperfect memory of childhood stories had left. So, I'll conclude by
saying that I know for sure that there is indeed a massive difference between
"religion" vs. what God has established. People who are lax would rather
dismiss the whole as nonsense. People who honestly look will be astonished
at the differences, the brilliance & the layers of information that all
interconnect within what is a rather small book called "Bible". As someone
who discovered it for myself -- I DARE anyone to read the thing & compare it
with any other book on the planet. It changed my life because it
influenced HAMMER's life; -- & I've seen the truths within it radically change
men whom society had given up on. And now certain principles within that
book seem to have been unveiled within this website - a message that has been
hidden with devastating lies for hundreds of years! I wonder if those who
visit here understand the implications of the message's specifics?
I
helped HAMMER write an appeal with the study time I made in the prison law library.
I also did my own appeal. We were eventually both granted new trial dates
-- 2 weeks apart. I was acting on my own behalf without a public defender;
-- & I handled HAMMER's as well. We both prevailed! Did either of us
get an apology from the state? Nope.
HAMMER and I were together for 10 awesome years. It was on our 10th anniversary
that he was hit & killed while walking, -- by a drunk politician driving on the
wrong side of the road (- a habitual offender w. numerous citations for DWI).
The guy was only sentenced to 500 hours of community service. They played every
dirty trick you can imagine citing a previous "prison record" of the deceased
(not mentioning the false conviction, of course) and citing that my civil claim was not
valid because of the "same-sex" nature of our partnership (playing the
prejudice of the gAy card) - although under the common law, a partnership is one
of the strongest legal structures because it's founded on the right to
contract which is antecedent to government & therefore not subject to
regulation! The same
political schmuck recently killed someone else while DWI & FINALLY, is doing
hard time (but not nearly enough).
So, in writing this, I want to take some time to point out how biased &
unfair the current system is. It's loaded with political favors, prejudice
& bribery. In the early 90's, Readers Digest wrote an article where a
sting in Chicago had nailed over 60 corrupt judges, & attorneys in the AG's
office! This corruption is more rampant today than ever, & most people are
clueless! However, this thing called the Internet is quickly changing all
of that by getting the word out.
- for HAMMER
Please take time to check out the following links in
the real world, & if you can, -- get involved:
Court cases you will find appalling: